My father

I close my eyes and I see him and smell him and feel him and hear him.

I’m so sleepy, but I don’t want to sleep. I know he’ll be here in just a little while.

We are in the old house. I can see the red carpet and the yellow walls. I can smell his Dial soap. He must have just gotten out of the shower.

I pretend I’m asleep. I think that if he thinks I’m asleep, he won’t come in. But that doesn’t stop him.  He comes in.  I’m silently begging him to go away.  But I don’t say anything.

He gets into my bed with me. He is so big. He is wet. I hate the smell of his soap.

I can feel his body on mine. I can’t breathe. It feels like he is crushing me.  I can feel the pain.  The burning.  It feels like I’m being torn in two.

Why?  Oh why is he doing this? Why?

I’m so scared.  Why won’t he just leave me.   I want to hide.  I don’t want anyone to see me.

I’m ashamed.  I’m a horrible person.

4 thoughts on “My father

  1. Sunny Sundrip Austin says:

    (several comments in one)

    This is the very reason that I am awake at 7AM. I have yet to sleep because when I walk in that room the flashbacks bomb me like some sort of blitzkrieg nightmare war.

    By the way, though I usually shower daily, I hate, hate, hate to go into the restroom. It feels almost as unsafe as the bedroom. To tell you the truth, I shower in the dark. I don’t even turn the light on. It’s kinda like, if there’s no light then my mother can’t see me. My mother was my main abuser, sexually, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Monster of a person! Cruelty is in every inch of her body.

    Lastly, I stayed in the closet as a kid all the time. My family began to say that if you couldn’t find me then just start looking in the closets. I was in there all the time. It felt safer in the dark, with walls around me, no one can just come out of nowhere that way. It just felt safer and it still does but I resist the temptation to go in there now.

  2. Elle and Mon.

    He did. I haven’t looked into reporting it because it’s been more than 10 years since it ended. I don’t know what statue of limitations is in my state.

    But regardless, I don’t think I could deal with what that would involve.

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