This whole not sleeping thing is making me crazy. Not that I’m all that far from crazy to begin with. But you get the point…

Despite the 8 hours of sleep I got Friday night (thanks to Jord’s mum’s grog), I’m still running a major sleep deficit. This has been going on for over a month now and I’m wondering when it will end.

Last night it was back to sleeping the entire 2 hours between 5 and 7 am.

I have no health insurance right now so getting meds to try and break this cycle is not an option right now. I’m hoping to have a job within another few months. And with that will probably come insurance. But by then, I’m hoping it’ll be a moot point. So I’m searching for other ways to help me sleep.

I find myself getting so anxious at the thought of even getting in bed. The flashbacks start. The quiet drives me crazy. My head gets so noisy sometimes It drives me so crazy that I’m running the window air conditioner in the middle of winter.

My thoughts start running away and my body wants to follow. But there’s really no place to run to. I could try to hide from my father, but I can’t hide from the images and feelings in my mind and body.

There isn’t any place I really feel safe at night. I’ve been sleeping on the futon in my living room/office. I do better with sleeping when it isn’t a bed. Or even a bedroom for that matter. I can’t even imagine trying to sleep in a regular bed right now.

When I start getting seriously sleep deprived, I start getting suicidal again. No big surprise there. It’s been like this for years and years now. Thank goodness for friends that are up at all hours of the night. It does help to have a kind ear at those times.

I do have to say that I’m not as severely suicidal as I was a week ago. The thoughts pass through my mind all too often still. But I’m not actively planning on how to do it. I don’t drive over tall bridges and think about jumping off of them.

But I still think about it a lot. And it still looks like an attractive option to deal with the overwhelming emotions in my life.

4 thoughts on “Exhaustion

  1. freemedia23 says:

    I hardlly sleep. In fact I bet it has been about 5 yeears since I slept in my bed for two nights in a row.

    I have started to try unisom from time to time.

    It actually works

  2. Austin says:

    I drink chamomile tea, the good kind you buy bulk at the health food store. Sometimes if I don’t want to drink it I’ll wrap the bulbs in cheese and swallow it like a pill. The stuff works well for anxiety.

    do you use aromatherapy at all? Take a small bag of cloth, add 1 cup of rice and 2 tablespoons of a nice calming herb mix. I like to do straight chamomile but sometimes i mix lavender with it. Heat it in the nuker for a min or 2 and hang it above your bed or anywhere at all really. It’s quite calming. You can put it inside your pillow or under it. The fresher the herbs the better. If you don’t have a small cloth bag a reusable tea bag will do or cheese cloth pulled together makes a nice makeshift bag.

    I have a hard time with transitions so I need a night time routine. I usually try and play a game online or do some sort of artwork to relax before I FORCE myself to go to bed. I can’t go, hey, it’s time to go to bed and then go lay down. I don’t transition well. I have to prepare for it then go lay down. Perhaps trying some sort of transition via night time routine would help. I should note that although I know these things my fear of sleeping and the deprivation is caused from putting off sleep due to nightmares. I know how to get to sleep but for the love of God I fear it.

    Ps. It’s 5:37AM I’m still in the fear it mode.
    smiles to you and yours

  3. Shannon says:

    I just hope after having a very good friend go thru with it you don’t. There is more to life than just what is going on in your mind right now. There is help if you look for it or ask for it and if you use the computer to chat than you can find help. Please don’t go thru with suicide, because people will be hurt and want you back. I wish my friend would have come to me with his problem I miss him.

  4. Shannon says:

    I barly sleep also but there is help. And the end is not the answer ok;-) People need you even if you don’t know they do.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.