The Thin Red Line
_______________
Hidden in a box where nobody can see
Piece of metal no bigger than a finger
Silver, exquisitely fashioned
Honed to a sharp edge
Hiding away in a room
Out comes the metal so no one can see
Bare skin, undisturbed by time
Meets the metal
Thin red lines
All across the skin
There is no pain
Just a sense of relief
And then it is done
The metal placed in its resting place
When will the next be
Nobody can know
_______________
January 27, 2000
From Darkness to Light 
the thing about cutting is that the blades never really go back in the drawer, it stays on the mind, it takes over your thoughts and ends up being the thing you turn to even when there are other options. It’s not like I enjoy cutting, I just know it works and so using other coping skills that may or may not work this time seems rather pointless. I need that help, that relief NOW not the 50/50 chance that relief will come. At least when I cut I know the relief will come. I know that unhealthy coping skill works so it gets used more than healthy coping skills. But if I could get those other skills stronger, if I could give those other skills a chance maybe they’d work to give faster relief.
Austin
I cut because it lets me feel something OTHER than the emotional pain of that moment. It’s like, if I could feel something, anything other than what I’m feeling now I’d be okay. And truthfully, it’s also a way to save my life. Sometimes I think that if I don’t cut I’m going to be so overwhelmed and so overtaken by flashbacks and anger and all that, I’ll lose all control and actually kill myself. Sometimes cutting seems like a way to use what little control I have to keep from losing that control. I’m not explaining myself well. There is an entry where I explain in detail about why I self injure. Here’s the link.
sundripjournals.wordpress.com/2006/02/10/therapy-assignment-cutting/
I’m not encouraging you to cut, I’m just explaining why I do it. I wonder if others cut for the same reasons that I do. I wonder if they look at the scars later down the line and feel….almost a sense of calm, of peace …the way I do. I hope that doesn’t make me sound like a sick-o.
Austin
Thanks Austin for your link.
I used to cut for many of the same reasons, but there was also a self-punishment aspect to it.
And I definitely don’t think you sound like a sick-o. I think you sound like someone in a tremendous amount of pain.