So as you all know, I’ve been seriously struggling with a lot of stuff lately. Most noticably suicidal ideation. I’ve got a few friends I’ve been leaning on and that’s kept me mostly ok for the last few weeks.
I got a call today from an agency here in town that specializes in treating people who were abused as children. So they called me back this morning and asked if I wanted to come in. So my appointment is for Tuesday morning.
I know deep down inside that this is “a good thing”. But right now I’m so terrified. It’s one thing to express this stuff through the relative anonymity of the internet. But to have to sit face to face with another person and talk about it… it scares the living crap out of me.
The last therapist I worked with extensively (this was back in the last 90s early 00s when I was in grad school)… it took me 6 months to even broach the subject with him and close to a year before I could even do more than nod or shake my head to most of his questions. I just sat in his office, shaking or looking at the floor. And I never developed a working relationship with any of the therapists I had here in town (after getting out of the hospital) because they were constantly coming in and leaving the practice where my psychiatrist was (which is a different place than this agency).
So yeah… trust is a tricky subject for me. But again, deep down inside, I know that staying in the place I am right now really isn’t an option anymore.
I don’t want to feel like this. But at times the feelings of wanting to end everything are so overwhelming. In the middle of the night, when I’m terrified of everything, the option of death seems so much better than the option of pushing through the fear yet again.
Somehow I wish there were some easy answers to all of this. But it’s been my experience that there aren’t any. So maybe it’s just stupid thinking on my part to wish for them.