Fear is such a powerful emotion.  It can motivate us to make changes or it can stop us in our tracks.

My dealings with fear in the last few weeks have led to both outcomes.

I’m terrified of sleeping.  I’m so afraid of the nightmares and the panic that come in the middle of the night.  When I do sleep and then wake up from those horrible dreams, I’m just as likely to force myself to stay awake as to try to sleep again.  So on top of the fact that I can’t get to sleep most nights.  When I do sleep and I wake up, I do my best not to go back to sleep.
But fear has motivated me to make some changes as well.  I was so afraid of other people, but I managed to open up to a few friends.  I guess part of me knew that I couldn’t keep it all inside and still manage to survive.  Along with that came the birth of this blog.  A push from above mentioned friend gave me the courage to move past that fear.  But the fear of “telling” (which I was told never to do) is still as strong as ever.  So I’m using that to motivate me to change.
The other big fear I’m dealing with is the idea of returning to counseling.  Trust isn’t one of my strong points.  There are days I’m so afraid of other people that living as a hermit doesn’t seem like such a terrible idea.  Never having to deal with wondering if I’m going to be hurt again.  Never having to rely on anyone to be there for me again.  So the thought of trying to trust another human being and talking about this face to face is almost overwhelming.  Yes, I’ve let part of the story out here.  But it’s only part.  And my readers can’t see me.  You don’t know where I am or who I am.  Yes, I’ve let myself open up a bit to above mentioned friends.  Although they’ve heard my voice and (gulp) seen pictures of me, they’re separated from me by an ocean.

So all in all, fear has stopped me in places, but I guess it’s also pushed me forward.  And that push forward would be a good thing.  So I’m adding a tag for “Positive things”.  Hopefully I’ll be able to use that tag more and more in the future.  Like a former psychologist of mine use to tell me, “It’s all about baby steps.”

One thought on “Fear

  1. Austin says:

    I guess part of me knew that I couldn’t keep it all inside and still manage to survive.

    It was the right thing for you to do to talk to others, including a therapist.
    You were saying that writing is different than speaking to someone face to face. Boy do I know that truth. Man! I can say the most horrible things, the most horrible details on the net but I never have to look anyone in the eye and say it. It’s why I don’t let my girlfriend read my blog, I have to look that girl in the eye almost daily. How can I do that knowing she knows, that she really knows? Won’t she find me dirty too? So yeah, I get it, big time, writing on the net is totally different than talking face to face. Writing gives us a way to speak and hide at the same time. Face to face we get crowded by fears and worry that they’ll find out who we really are. This is one of the reasons I can write so opening on the net, nobody can see me. It might seem like a negative thing to hide behind a screen but I have to admit, healing is being done. I’m talking, a lot and that is something I wasn’t allowed to do ever in my life. So even under the cover of the world wide web I’m out here boldly telling my story.
    We do what we can when we can and hopefully somewhere a long the way we start to question the fears we have. We start to understand that always being held back by them means to always stand alone. I don’t know about you but alone is something I did way too much as a child and a young adult. I don’t want to be alone in my recovery.

    with hope,

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