I’m having an incredibly hard time being sociable right now. There are a number of different online forums I frequent, but I’ve pretty much stopped posting on all them. It takes so much energy to just seem “normal” (which of course is a relative term — I had a high school science teacher tell me being normal was abnormal). It’s exhausting to just do the little chit chat that goes on in the threads. It’s just not fun. A part of me misses the people I used to talk to, but a part of me doesn’t.
In essence I’ve turned into a hermit these last few weeks. I go to class and I go do errands when I need to, but that’s about it. I hide in my room and do whatever I need to do from there, be it BOINC testing, studying or talking with a few select friends.
A good example of my anti-socialness is tonight. One of my friend’s son was having his 22nd birthday. My friend called and asked me to go to dinner with her and her family and a few other people they know from NAMI. So I agreed to go, thinking it would be a good thing to get out of the house and among the land of the living. I wish I could say I actually had a good time. It wasn’t horrible, don’t get me wrong. But being sociable was overwhelming and exhausting. I came home and just sat in the quiet because my nerves were so frazzled. The restaurant (a Chinese place) had reasonably good food. I ate about a quarter of what was served (it was Cashew Chicken, for what that’s worth). That was a major accomplishment because I really wasn’t hungry and I didn’t feel like eating. But considering I’ve been having headaches and my blood sugar is on the low side or normal (the reason I know is another story altogether) it’s a good thing I ate the little I did. And it was a reasonably well balanced meal with the protein, vegetables and carbs in it. But I digress. All I could think about while I was there was leaving. I was out less than two hours and it was about 90 minutes too long.
So there you go. My attempt at being normal tonight was a pitiful failure. Now I’ll put on the meditation music I downloaded from iTunes yesterday and attempt to de-stress some more.