Being sociable

I’m having an incredibly hard time being sociable right now.   There are a number of different online forums I frequent, but I’ve pretty much stopped posting on all them.  It takes so much energy to just seem “normal” (which of course is a relative term — I had a high school science teacher tell me being normal was abnormal).  It’s exhausting to just do the little chit chat that goes on in the threads.  It’s just not fun.  A part of me misses the people I used to talk to, but a part of me doesn’t.

In essence I’ve turned into a hermit these last few weeks.  I go to class and I go do errands when I need to, but that’s about it.   I hide in my room and do whatever I need to do from there, be it BOINC testing, studying or talking with a few select friends.

A good example of my anti-socialness is tonight.  One of my friend’s son was having his 22nd birthday.  My friend called and asked me to go to dinner with her and her family and a few other people they know from NAMI.  So I agreed to go, thinking it would be a good thing to get out of the house and among the land of the living.  I wish I could say I actually had a good time.  It wasn’t horrible, don’t get me wrong.  But being sociable was overwhelming and exhausting.  I came home and just sat in the quiet because my nerves were so frazzled.  The restaurant (a Chinese place) had reasonably good food.  I ate about a quarter of what was served (it was Cashew Chicken, for what that’s worth).  That was a major accomplishment because I really wasn’t hungry and I didn’t feel like eating.  But considering I’ve been having headaches and my blood sugar is on the low side or normal (the reason I know is another story altogether) it’s a good thing I ate the little I did.  And it was a reasonably well balanced meal with the protein, vegetables and carbs in it.  But I digress.  All I could think about while I was there was leaving.  I was out less than two hours and it was about 90 minutes too long.

So there you go.  My attempt at being normal tonight was a pitiful failure.  Now I’ll put on the meditation music I downloaded from iTunes yesterday and attempt to de-stress some more.

4 thoughts on “Being sociable

  1. Austin says:

    That fact that you went is success in itself. Perhaps your view of victory is what makes you think you failed. You went, and yes it was stressful and unpleasant but lets not forget that you ate a balanced meal and you got some fresh air the you came home and kicked into coping skills with the iTunes. Sounds to me like an adult took charge of the situation (all be it a somewhat stressful one) made the best of it and benefited some from it (the meal) then came home and did some coping skills. That’s not failure my blogger friend, that’s self-care at its finest. Now, give me an argument for that about how the night was a total failure and I’ll shut up but until then I think you can count your evening as one mixed with both good and bad not just bad.
    It’s not like I don’t feel you on this one. I do. There are times when the only thing I want to do is take the phone off the hook, not even go to my journal or open emails, stay away from the entire world because it’s just too much work for me on that day. I don’t fee like socializing. I don’t feel like laughing and joking and acting like I’m okay with where I’m at in life. So trust me, I understand what you went through that night. But I also know from your entry that you did some very healthy things. I think those need to be validated.


  2. Austin says:

    “Even in laughter the heart may be in pain, and grief is what rejoicing ends up in.” -Proverbs 14:13

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