I’m having flashback again.  I’m just writing as I experience things.

It hurts.  I can feel him in my body.  It’s in back right now.  Fingers.  Poking.  Pressure.  Why is he doing this?  I was so little.  Red carpet.  It must have been in the old house.  That’s where my room had red carpet.  He keeps touching me.  His fingers hurt me.  He thinks I’m asleep.  But I’m not.  I have to keep pretending I’m asleep.  Then maybe he won’t get mad.  I opened my eyes once before and that really upset him that night.  How long ago was that?  Days?  Weeks?  I can’t remember anymore.  Maybe it just doesn’t really matter anymore.
Breathing is hard.  All I can get is gasps.  It’s making me dizzy.  Oh no.  I think I’m going to be sick.  Bathroom.  Now…  I wish I could throw up.  My stomach hurts.  And my head hurts from the dry heaves.  I’m shaking.  I can barely type.  Why tonight?

I can see him now.  He’s turning me over.  He still thinks I’m asleep.  If I just keep my eyes closed, maybe it’ll be over soon.  There are his fingers again.  Why does he keep doing this to me?  Doesn’t he know that it hurts?  Pressure.  Harder and harder.
In my head, I keep yelling for him to stop.  He can’t hear me.  I can’t say it.  I keep begging him to stop.  But he won’t stop.  He keeps going.  I open my eyes.  But he doesn’t care.  He doesn’t even notice that I’m awake.  He looks so happy.  I don’t understand.  How can he be happy?  Doesn’t he know that he is hurting me?
It hurts so bad.  I’m scared.  I can see him.  I can smell the soap.  He’s all wet.  He must have just gotten out of the shower.  It’s like I’m right there again.  Three years old.  I’m not sure what is real?  Nothing in here looks right.  I’m scared.  I’m so scared.
I thought he was going to leave for the night.  He just came back.  Okay.  Just pretend you are asleep.  I just read “Green Eggs and Ham”.  What if I were Sam-I-Am?  Would I have eaten the green eggs and ham?  A point to ponder.  You can eat them in so many different places.  On a train.  On a plane.  And so many people to eat them with.  How about the fox?
What is happening?  I’m thinking about a children’s book.  I haven’t read that book for at least 25 years.  Nothing here seems right.  It’s all like I left it, but it’s not right.  I don’t understand.  I didn’t do anything to change it.

One thought on “Flashbacks…

  1. i am proud of you. i am proud of your courage, of your strength, even at those times you cannot see that you have them. i am incredibly proud of you. please keep working toward the light, where all your efforts are leading you. you are working your way through your problems and there is life on the other side of it. i am proud of you. and now that i have found your site, i will be checking in to read you and your reflections.

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