This makes me want very much to write a letter to little me, not one of my alters, but to me as a child. WOW, this would be good therapy to do. I’ve seen one like this over at the blog The Real Me, that journal is on my sidebar. I might have to do something like this. I’d be interested in knowing how you felt after you wrote it.
Right now I feel so raw and exposed. Almost the feeling you get when your burn your tongue. Every little thing makes me hurt. It really exhausted me to write it. Not that I wasn’t physically exhausted before, but I was hanging in there emotionally for the most part. Now every fiber of my being is screaming for rest. Now I just want 48 hours of blissful, uninterrupted sleep. The chances of that happening are slim to none. But that’s what I want.
I was surprised by the depth of emotion I felt while writing that letter. I never realized how angry I am at that little girl or how much I really hate her. That hate I have for my adult self extends even deeper. All the way to that child. I wish she would have died. I wish she had never been born.
I wonder if there will be a time when I will come to direct all this anger and hatred towards the people that hurt me instead of towards myself. Years of therapy haven’t been able to get me to the point where I can say “It wasn’t your fault Kathryn!”. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to that point. I hear people say it to me, and I think they mean it. And I can say it to other people, and I definitely mean it when I say it to them. But when it comes to myself, I just don’t believe it.