Writing that letter

Austin Wrote: 

This makes me want very much to write a letter to little me, not one of my alters, but to me as a child. WOW, this would be good therapy to do. I’ve seen one like this over at the blog The Real Me, that journal is on my sidebar. I might have to do something like this. I’d be interested in knowing how you felt after you wrote it.

Right now I feel so raw and exposed.  Almost the feeling you get when your burn your tongue.  Every little thing makes me hurt.  It really exhausted me to write it.  Not that I wasn’t physically exhausted before, but I was hanging in there emotionally for the most part.  Now every fiber of my being is screaming for rest.  Now I just want 48 hours of blissful, uninterrupted sleep.  The chances of that happening are slim to none.  But that’s what I want.

I was surprised by the depth of emotion I felt while writing that letter.  I never realized how angry I am at that little girl or how much I really hate her.  That hate I have for my adult self extends even deeper.  All the way to that child.  I wish she would have died.  I wish she had never been born.

I wonder if there will be a time when I will come to direct all this anger and hatred towards the people that hurt me instead of towards myself.  Years of therapy haven’t been able to get me to the point where I can say “It wasn’t your fault Kathryn!”.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get to that point.  I hear people say it to me, and I think they mean it.  And I can say it to other people, and I definitely mean it when I say it to them.  But when it comes to myself, I just don’t believe it.

3 thoughts on “Writing that letter

  1. hi K
    i wanted to thankyou, for your posts here, for writing down what is so difficult to get ones’ own head around.
    Does that make sense lol? what i mean is; that i took several long pauses and deep breaths reading some of your posts, and others i do not know if i can really read through too closely. The thing that really gets me about my experiences is how…uncontrollable the emotions are asociated? So i do hear what you are saying about the confusion, the boil of emotions –
    it is so difficult and ‘hidden’ sometimes –
    but i do not believe that these negative things, parts, memories etc rule us or are not the only thing we have to us. I have certainly found solace in good friends, in compassion.

    in Safety,

  2. If I ask you to raise your fist and hit a 6 year old little girl and you do is it your fault or the fault of the little girl? It’s the fault of the adult who had the audacity to hurt someone who has no power over anything but the toys in her room.

    If I ask you to take the food away from a 6 year old child and banish her to her room and wait for some ugly monster to come get her is the little girl at fault or is it within her six year old power to say NO This is wrong and I’m going to stop you and any other adult who tries to say this isn’t wrong?

    You were little, tiny, a baby…you were just a baby. So when you say “it wasn’t your fault” to this or that person or you see a child in the store with the saddest eyes on earth imagine them as you, imagine the little person they were terrified at the hands of adults they had no power over. Have you ever seen a child wrestle a sumo master and win? The power is different, the skill level to throw, to out whit is different and can’t be compared. so why Kathryn is it different for you, for the little you who was put up against odds that she never should have had to face? Can it really be so that every other abused child was innocent but not you? Can it be so that every other child deserves to be loved and cared for and kept safe but you? I don’t believe it. You belong among the healing, just like other survivors, you belong among the healing.

    My problem is usually not that I don’t’ believe it wasn’t my fault but that if it wasn’t my fault then so many more questions need to be answered. I’ll get back to you on this because this is turning into a journal entry here. I’ll write it as an entry on my blog tomorrow.

    we wish you peace of mind,

  3. theair says:

    It might hurt now after confronting your emotions, but I think eventually having faced them will be more beneficial to you than having discarded them. It’s good to address the emotions, and it’s good to be courageous about it.

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