A letter to my father

Dad.

I don’t know if I could ever send you this letter.  But I need to somehow express what you’ve done to my life and how I feel.

I will never understand why you did what you did.  I can study and read all I want about abusers, but I’ll never understand on more than an academic level why you did it.  I don’t know if I can ever directly ask you the question either.  Only time will tell, I guess.

But you…  You are in my mind all the time.  Sometimes at the back and sometimes at the very front.  But you are always there.  I wish I could forget.  Never to remember again.  But that isn’t possible.  My past is my past and it will be there forever.  I can only hope that with time, I can learn to not let it impact my life the way it does now.

Now…  let’s talk about right now.  I sit here writing this in an attempt to find some peace.  I sit here trying to resist the urge to take my car and drive it off the highest bridge I can find or drive it into a large brick wall.  I sit here trying to resist the urge to slice the hell out of my body.

I wonder if I’ll ever truly be happy.  I wonder if I’ll ever have the sort of relationships that “normal” people have.  I wonder if I’ll ever be able to sleep through the night and not be terrified.  I wonder if there will be a time when I don’t think about ending my life everyday.  I wonder if I’ll ever be able to have any sort of physical contact with other people without freaking out or feeling like I’m being hurt.

I wish I could get angry at you.  I wish I could yell and scream at your for all the pain you’ve caused me.  But I can’t do that.  Not yet at least.  Maybe someday.  But not right now.

Right now all I can feel is the pain.  I can’t even begin to explain to you how badly you’ve hurt me, both physically and emotionally.  I can’t begin to explain to how how much I hate myself and the person I am.  I can’t even being to tell you how often I think about dying and ending my life.

I’m scared of so many things in this world.  I’m terrified of you.  That you’ll somehow hurt me again.  I know it isn’t a rational thing.  I know that I’m an adult and in control of my life.  But I’m frightened just the same.  I’m scared of most other people, especially if they start getting to close to me.  As some sort of protective instinct, I push them away.  No matter how many times people tell me that they would never do anything to hurt me (and I believe them) I get scared as they come closer and I do everything in my power to shove them out of my life.

All in all, I’m tired.  I’m tired of fighting.  I’m tired of the fear.  I’m tired of not having real relationships.  I’m tired of living.

Right now, I want nothing more than to die.  But somehow it seems like if that happens you’d end up winning.  I’m so tired of losing in life, that maybe it’s worth continuing to fight just to say that I’m winning.

~Kathryn

3 thoughts on “A letter to my father

  1. hi kat, thanks for popping by ‘doodling and yep, i’ll try and keep the plants updated :)

    …”i wish i could get angry with you…” sheesh i know that one. Maybe a huge part of dealing with all of our internal stuff is what you are already doing – naming your emotions and allowing yourself to express them. I have a theory that it is when emotions are hidden from us that they cause the most damage.

    i know sometimes it is the last thing that you feel in the world; but i think you’re really brave.

  2. Wonderful expression of feeling. I couldn’t read every single detail (a little triggering) but I could almost touch the feelings you were having as you wrote this…almost.

    Thank you for being so brave and sharing such a letter. Unsent or not, it will impact you and others in a positive way.

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