Imagining the shower

I saw my therapist today. She asked me to try to imagine what it would be like if I enjoyed taking a shower. It really is a completely foreign idea for me. It makes me anxious to even think about showering, but fears must be confronted.

So if a shower were to be enjoyed, I’d imagine it to be very relaxing. Feeling the water beat down on my tired body. Feeling the tension just flow out of my body and down the drain with the water. Feeling my chest open up from the steam.

I would use an expensive body wash, not the cheep stuff I use now. It would smell like fruit. Fresh and clean. Maybe something like this. And I’d take the time to shampoo my hair twice and then condition it. Like the body wash, it would smell wonderful and be an expensive kind. Maybe this shampoo and this conditioner.

I would take my time. I wouldn’t rush in and out of the shower. Maybe I would light some scented candles. These look nice.

When I got out, I’d take the time to dry off with a nice fluffy towel. I’d take the time to smooth on some rich lotion. Perhaps this one, which matches the shampoo and conditioner.

In the end, I’d feel relaxed and confident. I wouldn’t feel like killing myself. I wouldn’t feel dirty. I wouldn’t feel scared.


That’s a lot to think about. I wonder if I will ever get to this point. I guess, as my therapist reminded me today, it’s all a matter of breaking it down into small manageable goals. And then tackling those steps one at a time.

2 thoughts on “Imagining the shower

  1. sisyphusledge says:

    Small steps….very wise advise. Sometimes, difficult to see, not always as easy as it sounds, but that’s one of the ways that I’ve managed to get out of suicidal depression in my life.

    Thanks for your comment on SL, by the way.

    Best wishes,

  2. Perhaps one step would be to actually purchase one of these products. I’d go to the lotion first and use it after the shower. I have the Raspberry Vanilla. It was a gift. I like it. It’s not 9.50 in the store.

    I hate to use the restroom and I use to hate to shower or bathe. I actually bathe or shower everyday now and enjoy it. Everything you just mentioned above, the candles, the good lotions and good shampoos were suggested to me along time ago. It took awhile but treating myself to such nice smells actually worked. Now when I buy the cheap stuff it has more to do with lack of money than feeling like I don’t deserve the good stuff. When buying the more expensive stuff I no longer feel like I’m wasting money on a body that isn’t going to come clean anyway. I have a feeling that your showering issues are based on the abuse you suffered and perhaps purchasing more expensive things has to do with the “I dont’ deserve it” and “I’m dirty” stuff we survivors struggle with. Showering has nothing at all to do with what a person deserves and it’s not about cleaning the off dirt that an abuser left behind. They can’t pass their filth onto you like that. It feels like it but they really can’t. So really, showering is technically about cleaning the outside only.

    Now, if I could just get over my restroom phobia I could actually go in there an not panic. I use the restroom in the dark. I use to shower in the dark too but not so much anymore for safety but to maximize the glow of the candles. Yup, I even use candles when I shower, not just when taking a long bath.

    this can be done. it’s not just a dream. it actually can done. now, if you have any restroom tips I’m more than willing to hear them.


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