Cold Hands

Cold hands. Cold hands. That phrase triggered all this. It was on TV. I know I heard it there. But I have no idea what was on the TV. I’m typing this right now and I can’t remember what I was watching just a minute ago. Oh God, what is wrong with me?
Once my father found another job, my grandparents were the baby-sitters. Apparently, they loved it. And it seems like my grandfather loved it a bit too much.
I would take a nap in my grandfather’s bed. I chose that bed day after day after day, even though I knew what would happen. Why was I so stupid?
I wasn’t sleeping. He came in the room. The door opened ever so quietly. And he closed it without making a sound. The only thing I could hear was the lock clicking into place. I was pressed up against the wall. I felt safer that way. I was laying on my stomach. I had my mouse with me. He was in my left arm because my right arm was up against the wall. He took my mouse out of my arm. I loved that mouse. So why did he take it away from me?
His hands were so cold. They were under my shirt, on my back. I can feel his hands going all over my torso. He must have been outside shoveling snow. It was cold in the room. I’m so cold right now.
I stayed limp. He thinks I am asleep. I don’t know what would have happened if he knew that I was awake. His hands were so cold. And they are all over me. God, I can feel them on my skin. I’m shivering right now. Why won’t this stop?
He flipped me over so I now I’m laying on my back. My eyes are closed because I don’t want him to know that I was awake. He pulled down my pants. He’s touching me. It’s so gentle. It doesn’t hurt like it does when daddy does it. Why are his hands so cold? I’m cold. He keeps on touching me. Touching me on the inside and on the outside. But it doesn’t hurt. It just feels funny.
And my tummy feels funny too. I feel sort of sick. I just want my mouse back. He can do anything he wants to me. But why did he have to take my mouse? I hope he gives it back to me.
I’m so cold now. All the cold from his hands went inside of me. I’m shivering. I think he knows I’m awake. I can feel this scratching inside of me. Now it hurts really bad. It hurts just like when daddy does it. Why did he have to hurt me? I must have done something really wrong. I must have been really bad. But I can’t remember what I did. Please make it stop.


Not again…

What the hell is wrong with me all of a sudden. This time I found myself downstairs in the basement logged into my account on my brother’s computer typing away crazily. I was watching TV before that, sitting on the futon/couch in my room. And I have no idea what I was watching. And to top it off, the TV was tuned to a non-existent station when I turned it back on, so I can’t even look at the TV Guide and figure out what I was watching. Well actually I did look at the TV Guide and nothing is jumping out at me. There were a number of show I could have been watching at the time.

Am I completely losing my mind? Am I seriously going stark raving mad?

All I can think about right now is killing myself. I know my therapist told me to call if things got really rough, but I can’t. I just can’t even say these things out loud right now. But I need to get them outside of myself which is why I’m posting this. So fuck…

I’m tired. So fucking tired. I want to cry, but the tears won’t come. I feel so sick, but I can’t throw up. I feel like I’m going to crawl right out of my skin, and I just can’t calm down. I’ve got an entire bottle of Ativan from when I was taking meds before. So why not just down the whole bloody thing? What is the point in living?

7 thoughts on “Cold Hands

  1. i’ve asked myself your last question a dozen times katm..
    and i cant really give you any objective answers
    that i know it can get tough, real tough sometimes.
    when it seems that one end of the road is a whole lot closer and easier then the other.
    but please hang on, stay strong,
    not for anyone or anything else or any ‘reason’ but just for You.
    You’ve been through so much already you deserve a decent, peaceful, life.
    don’t let the b*****ds who were involved win.

    always at the end of a ‘mail if you need,

  2. there is a path that leads you out of what you experienced and still feel the pain of. please hang on until you find yourself further on that path. you are on your way out. and there is a life of peace ahead for you. i send my blessings.

  3. i understand exactly what you mean when you say you cant talk to anyone about it. my friends are always getting upset with me for not talking to them when things get tough, but i just cant.

    if writing helps then i’d definitely encourage it!!!!


  4. Abreactions are terrible, one word or a tone or a picture can trigger those old memories so that the reliving of them occurs, so realistic you are living it again, all the pain, all the cold, all the tension, everything. We too have had them, way too many times to remember or care to remember, so we know and understand what you are going through. That little girl never should have been treated like that by anyone, she did nothing wrong and has to be told that she is loved and cared for by you. Let her know she is safe now and that people out here care about you and her.

    safe hugs to you


  5. I’m so sorry this happened to you…no one deserves that, no one.

    I’ve experienced some abuse in my life, but not like yours and I can only imagine how hard it is for you at times. I know I still have some hard times and I went through some PTSD after being abused by my ex-husband.

    I hope you’ll keep hanging on for yourself and not let those who abused you win either.

    Please call someone for help and let us know you’re alright. You’re a special person and have so much worth – please don’t hurt yourself or anything.

    Sending hugs to you. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

  6. I just wrote about meaningless TV before coming here. Sometimes there’s nothing on at all and other times the TV gives me flashes of things I’d rather forget. It seems my TV experience tonight was different than other nights when I see one image…a green Ford, a white van, a trip to Disney World and suddenly I’m right back there with that family.

    You know what my point of continuing is? I can’t stand the thought of having been born in pain and never, ever getting the chance to breathe easy. I need that. I need to be able to one day say, those people were horrible and though several times I wanted to die I stuck it out for me. I stuck it out for me and only me. Not for a winning, not even for other survivors, not for anyone but me. I refuse to be born from pain and die in it too. I understand the feeling of being tired and wanting to stop. I understand all too well. But I also understand the strong craving, the hunger for so much better. That is the point, that is the reason I keep going, I have to find a way because I WILL BE HAPPY. No matter what, I will find a way to make it through this and I hope beyond hope you will too because I have a feeling it will be worth it.


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