To all of those who have been trying to support me these last few months, I want to say thank you. I haven’t been the easiest person to deal with.
Once again, my moods are bouncing around all over the place. Earlier today was okay. I had a nice chat with a friend. I made a delicious bread pudding. And I dropped off a copy of my resume and an application at an area bank.
But I’m also getting sick again so I decided to lay down for a quick nap after I got home from said bank. Bad idea. I just can’t get my damn brain to shut off long enough to get some quality rest. I woke up totally depressed and thinking about cutting. I went so far as to get out my razor blades and sit there and stare at them.
All those thoughts going through my mind. Who cares? What difference does it make? Why bother? What’s the point?
And it just went down from there. I ended up staring at pill bottles for a very long time. In fact, I have no idea how long it was. I completely lost track of time. There must be something deep down inside stopping me. I don’t know what it is, but it’s probably better not to question it.
I’m sorry for being such a downer. I’m trying to do what my therapist has suggested. I’m trying to write. I’m trying to draw. I’m trying to combat these negative thoughts. But I don’t know that I’m getting anywhere. And that frustrates me.