It’s amazing what you find going through old backups. Apparently I don’t trash anything. Heck, I’m surprised I never imaged my hard drive…

(note to self… time to back up hard drive again)

So I found scanned versions of some artwork I did while in therapy while I was in graduate school.

Since my creative juices haven’t been all that potent these last few days, I decided to post this image and I’m going to try and write about what I was feeling at the time (and it’s pretty close to what I’m feeling right now). This piece was done somewhere around 1999.


I just feel broken inside. Sort of like I’m just falling to pieces. And I have no way of putting those pieces back together.

I’m tired. I don’t know how much longer I can hold it all together. I feel like I’m losing my mind again. I feel like there is no point in fighting what is meant to be.

Once a mirror is broken, what good is it? What purpose do I serve in life? What is the point in living?

The cracks in my life radiate out in all directions. I break whatever I touch. I am a failure.

I’d be best off if I were thrown away. Kicked out to the curb. Nobody would have to deal with me.

I’m working on getting drunk (not that it will take much more to get there). I know that won’t help things, and I usually don’t do it. But tonight I just don’t want to feel anything. I’m tired of all the emotions. Emotions that I just can’t put words to.

6 thoughts on “Shattered

  1. M says:

    What use are you? Well for starters, you are extremely knowledgeable about B**** and everybody on the forums there wants to hear what you have to say and read your advice. Each time you post you cheer members up, throw out ideas well worth pondering, or solve technical problems. So you’re a great help to many people and an asset to all the projects – keep posting please!


  2. I find valium works better than alcohol for those times. In fact alcohol just makes things worse and prolongs the misery…
    Although in the right circumstances it is quite useful at bringing everything out.
    Hope you’re feeling less bad today…

  3. Emotions that I just can’t put words to. looks like you put words out there just fine, you feel terrible, your hurt, you feel worthless, we can all identify with those feelings. This will pass, and you will get better and stronger nad feel worthwhile, because you are.

    keepers and john

  4. Ativan has been a lifesaver for me.

    My image is usually a sharp-edged rock, but I can relate to your broken mirror, too. Your “what use” question reminded me of the thing about how if your leg broke and healed incorrectly, it would have to be broken again before it could be set the right way. Maybe your sense of brokenness is more about the kind of healing that feels like death before it gets better, than about being useless.

    Peace and strength to you — and whatever support network you have, please take advantage of it.

  5. Well, I, for one, don’t think you’re a mirror…
    More like a crushed can, and you can recycle crushed cans.

    Yay for alcohol!
    -Tom Dandy

  6. We understand the broken feeling, the feeling of being shattered and feelings of worthlessness but I disagree with the mirror image of you.
    You are not a mirror. A mirror is an object and you Kathryn are not an object.


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