Hold On…

 Hold On…

A Pueblo Indian Prayer

Hold on to what is good,
even if it’s a handful of earth.

 Hold on to what you believe,
even if it’s a tree that stands by itself.

 Hold on to what you must do,
even if it’s a long way from here.

 Hold on to your life,
even if it’s easier to let go.

 Hold on to my hand,
even if I’ve gone away from you.

I found this poem through StumbleUpon. It’s a nifty little add-on for Firefox.

Anyway, the part that hit me was “Hold on to your life, even if it’s easier to let go”. All day today (and in reality, the last couple days as well), I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts bordering on impulses. I’ve ignored chat requests from friends. And when I was trying to do some tech support before dinner, all I could think was “I wish this guy would hurry up and tell me what’s wrong so I can stop acting like I give a damn!”. A crappy attitude I know. But it was all I could think about.

It would be so damn easy to just give up on living. I know it. I think about it constantly. So why fight anymore and go on? I don’t know. I was raised Catholic so I know I’ll go to Hell if I kill myself. But what difference does that make seeing as I’m going there anyway. That’s certainly not stopping me.

Maybe if I end my own life, the people who hurt me will end up winning. And I don’t think I want that. I’ve lost so much in the 18 years I lived with the parental units and the years I dated James. So maybe it’s time for me to win for a change.

I think about the kind of pain I’d cause my friends if I ended my life. I don’t want to hurt Jord or Keith or Cori or Nicolas or Melanie or Tim like that. It wouldn’t be fair to them. Not after all they’ve done to try and help me. It would be extremely selfish on my part.

With all the pain right now, it’s hard to see if there is the possibility of happiness in the future. I’m told there is, but it’s hard for me to believe it.

So I go on. I keep moving through this life despite how I feel. I can’t ever promise that I won’t end my life. But I’ll do my best to hang on as long as I can.

7 thoughts on “Hold On…

  1. The part that strikes me is the last bit, hold onto my hand even if I’ve gone away from you.

    If you’ve gone away from me, doesn’t that mean you’ve left me, you don’t want me, you’re not coming back?

    And yet you tell me to hold on to your hand, as if your going away isn’t about leaving me… as if you are planning to return…


    Well… when’s your next therapy or other connection with your support network? When do your meds (do you take any?) get re-evaluated next? I wish you the power of others to help keep your fingers tightly curled around the rope of your life, to hold onto it for you when you have such trouble holding on by yourself.

    I believe there is never a certainty of hell while you still live; there is always a second (second thousandth, second millionth, etc) chance.

  2. My therapist is out of town this week, so I see her a week from tomorrow. No meds right now. I’m trying to make it through this without them. The thought of doing the med-go-round again depresses me more. I had an excellent psychiatrist before I went out of the country for a year. Right now I don’t have a job or the money to see him. I’m not sure what is available in community resources in terms of psychiatric care. The therapist I see works for an agency here in town that treats a lot of foster children and such (they specialize in child abuse) and I’m lucky enough that they charge on a sliding scale.

  3. Ugh… therapists need their vacations, but it’s so hard when they’re gone. I don’t suppose you know anyone else at that agency that you could see if you need something sooner… I just wish I could wish some extra support to you. I know meds are not appealing and aren’t always the answer… but did they help before? I see a psychiatric nurse practitioner — they charge a little less than the doctors… maybe it would be worth it just to gather information about psychiatric resources in your area.

  4. Before I went out of the country, I had a med routine that helped a lot. It let me get to the point where I was able to work again. I’m not totally ruling out meds. I just don’t want to go there right now. I need to see if I can do this on my own. I know it sounds stupid, but I just need to know.

    As far as seeing someone else at the agency this week. I’m sure I could. But it would be a waste of 11 dollars. There’s no way I could talk to a perfect stranger right now. They do have a hotline that I can use and the number is on speed dial if I get to that point.

    Thankfully, I’ve got a good friend that’s letting me bug him.

    I went to the park earlier so I have some new pictures. My brother just put photoshop on his computer so I’m planning on playing around with that a bit. I also have choir practice tonight. So I have some stuff to do this week.

  5. That’s all very encouraging.

    I understand about needing to see if you can do without the meds. Just don’t let things get too bad…

    I also understand about the others at the agency. My therapist is actually in another state (where I used to live) because I couldn’t find someone here and hated the thought of having to start all over building up the history and the trust.

  6. But what difference does that make seeing as I’m going there anyway.

    Says who? Only God can determine that, not some stupid man made church or priest or pope who will get there way before you with all the crap they have pulled over the years!

    Never give up 5 minutes before your miracle can happen! words to live by.

    keepers and john

  7. sisyphusledge says:

    Hi Katm, sorry to read that you are going through a rough patch at the moment. Please don’t give up hope. I know that it’s easy for me to say, but believe me I have been at this point of suicide preoccupying my every thought and feeling that my life will not get any better. I think you have done so well. Some people don’t make it to therapy, even.

    Email me if you want.
    Take care of yourself,

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