I’ve been having a recurrent nightmare the last few days where I’m trying to move and I’m completely paralyzed. I’m screaming out for help but no sound comes out of my mouth. Mix that in with the usual memory type nightmares and my sleep quality has gone down the drain after improving somewhat.
I feel completely terrified in these dream. Out of control is another feeling that comes to mind. The other feeling is helplessness. Nothing I do to try to break free in the dream works. I feel like I’m physically struggling but I simply can’t move. The only thing that stops the dreams is waking up. And when I wake up, it’s in a cold sweat, panicking, screaming or some combination of the three.
I guess there are two different levels of meaning to these recent dreams of mine.
One is a literal level I guess. Many of my memories involve me either being physically restrained in some way or not able to move because he was on top of me and was much larger than I was. I was afraid to cry out for fear of being hurt. If I did cry when the belt or the wooden spoon came out, it only made the punishment all the more severe.
The second level is a symbolic one. Right now, I feel so trapped and unable to move emotionally. I’m almost overwhelmed by the memories and feelings that it feels like a ten ton weight sitting on my body. And as much as I know it isn’t true, I sometimes feel like nobody hears how terrible I feel. People who know me online do. They can read my words here. The friends I chat with know because they ask. But people in real life don’t. And I know it’s my fault for not saying anything. However, I trust so few people I see in flesh and blood that I don’t know how to say anything about how I feel. The only exception to this is my therapist. I don’t know that I necessarily trust her because I’ve only been seeing her for about six weeks. However, I do know what I say doesn’t go beyond those four walls of her office and that makes talking about things just a little bit easier. And I know she believes me. I know my mother saw it happening, but her denial skills are top notch. And I’m not sure if my grandmother would believe me (even if she could understand) and the same goes for the rest of my family.
In all honesty, right now I’m at that point where the energy it takes to continue living is rapidly outstripping the energy I have. Hour by hour… Minute by minute… I feel like I’m being sucked dry. I can barely keep my eyes open, but I’m afraid to close them. I don’t know how many times a day I think about ending it all. If it weren’t for the support of a few friends, I don’t know that I’d still be around.