I’ve been having a recurrent nightmare the last few days where I’m trying to move and I’m completely paralyzed. I’m screaming out for help but no sound comes out of my mouth. Mix that in with the usual memory type nightmares and my sleep quality has gone down the drain after improving somewhat.

I feel completely terrified in these dream. Out of control is another feeling that comes to mind. The other feeling is helplessness. Nothing I do to try to break free in the dream works. I feel like I’m physically struggling but I simply can’t move. The only thing that stops the dreams is waking up. And when I wake up, it’s in a cold sweat, panicking, screaming or some combination of the three.

I guess there are two different levels of meaning to these recent dreams of mine.

One is a literal level I guess. Many of my memories involve me either being physically restrained in some way or not able to move because he was on top of me and was much larger than I was. I was afraid to cry out for fear of being hurt. If I did cry when the belt or the wooden spoon came out, it only made the punishment all the more severe.

The second level is a symbolic one. Right now, I feel so trapped and unable to move emotionally. I’m almost overwhelmed by the memories and feelings that it feels like a ten ton weight sitting on my body. And as much as I know it isn’t true, I sometimes feel like nobody hears how terrible I feel. People who know me online do. They can read my words here. The friends I chat with know because they ask. But people in real life don’t. And I know it’s my fault for not saying anything. However, I trust so few people I see in flesh and blood that I don’t know how to say anything about how I feel. The only exception to this is my therapist. I don’t know that I necessarily trust her because I’ve only been seeing her for about six weeks. However, I do know what I say doesn’t go beyond those four walls of her office and that makes talking about things just a little bit easier. And I know she believes me. I know my mother saw it happening, but her denial skills are top notch. And I’m not sure if my grandmother would believe me (even if she could understand) and the same goes for the rest of my family.


In all honesty, right now I’m at that point where the energy it takes to continue living is rapidly outstripping the energy I have. Hour by hour… Minute by minute… I feel like I’m being sucked dry. I can barely keep my eyes open, but I’m afraid to close them. I don’t know how many times a day I think about ending it all. If it weren’t for the support of a few friends, I don’t know that I’d still be around.

11 thoughts on “Nightmares

  1. i have nightmares like that.. someone once told me that i had sleep paralysis – a kind of half waking/feverish/paralysed state?

    anyway, i know just how absolutely terrifying mine were, so im sending much sympathy and good thoughts to you.
    I know this is difficult to see through electronic whines, but friends here can help, in little ways, a cyber(hug) here and there, a few words when you need them at the end of a telephone line.
    You ‘re not alone with this, Kat, and others can bear the weight.

    in support and friendship,

  2. I’ve had a ‘sleep paralysis’ experience only once or twice in my life – I’m sorry that you are struggling with dealing these nightmares as well as with your past. I am also sorry that you are considering not living at all.

    I was in a similar state of mind about nine years ago. In fact, I went into cardiac arrest due to self caused acute carbon monoxide poisoning. Fortunately I survived, and fortunately you are surviving with the support of friends, virtual or otherwise.

    I can not personally relate to your experiences, but I do know there is a great deal of suffering in this world. I work daily to help those struggling with deciding whether or not they want to continue to live and I offer my help and support to you as well.

    You are in charge of your mind and your life, no one can make you do or keep you from doing anything that you want, INCLUDING FEELING BETTER.

    You have to think that is possible before it could happen though… do you think it is possible that you could eventually not feel how you feel now?


  3. Do I rationally know it’s possible for things to be better? Yup. They were better in the not so distant past.

    Do I feel it’s possible for things to be better? Not a bit. I feel so crappy right now I don’t feel like it could ever be any better.

    Notice the serious disconnect between what I know and what I feel. That’s pretty much the story of my life right now.

  4. It’s clear. Why the disconnect. I talk to a lot of people who clearly distinguish between what they feel and what they think. I’m not sure I can always see the distinction – mind you I’m equating your ‘rationallyknow’ with think.

    The difference between what you think and feel is whatever you say it is.

    In other words – you say I do not FEEL that it’s possible. I wanna say that you don’t think it’s possible.

    What I mean is where do you think things versus where do you feel them? Many people say feelings are in their heart. Then again I’ve been one to note to me, the mind is where the heart lives.

    Does that make any sense?

    The whole world exists in your head, doesn’t it?

  5. Give me a bit of time to put my thoughts together and I’ll write an entry on “Thoughts” versus “Feelings”.

  6. WhoreChurch says:

    thanks for stopping by and posting an ecouraging comment. Sorry you’re struggling too, but I’m confident we will both get through it.

  7. Melissa says:

    Okay the same thing happens to me my face is right in the pillow! I cant breathe.I try to wake up or move but i can’t!. Im trying to scearm out for help but i can’t! As i almost was about to die,my face moved and i could breathe again. Then i woke up and i fell back to sleep and now im falling,falling,falling 80000 feet high! Then i land right on the floor. Ouch! That hurt. So i have the same felling as you people!

  8. MayPoles of life says:

    I just happened to run across your blog. You view yourself so different than what I “see’. I read everything. I cried for you. As weak as you must feel, I read about strength. I beg you to hang on with everything that you have! It’s o.k. to feel like a child, it’s o.k. to ask for help. I believe you are inviting good people into your life, by that I mean sharing your deepest feelings with those that respond to your blog. People DO care about you, and your future. I will revisit this blog often, to hear from you. It’s people like you, that make this world a beautiful place. I pray that YOU are blessed with much peace today, and everyday. I don’t know you personally, I don’t have to, but I do promise you this, I will carry you in my thoughts and prayers. I will spiritually carry you, and the burdens you are struggling with. I wish I could hold you, as awful as that may seem to you, it isn’t a “hold” as your painful memories may serve you, but a “hold”, meant to help heal. Much love to you.

  9. I just want to say thank you all for your kind comments. It’s really hard for me to let others carry a little of the load. All my life I’ve felt like I’ve had to do it by myself. But the more I talk about it with other people, the easier it gets. And I guess by talking about it, I unload a little bit of the weight. Because, secrets weigh a ton. And this has been a secret for way too long.

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