Feeling dirty

So many feelings… Don’t know what to do with them… Have to get them outside of myself…


You know that physical feeling you get after you’ve gone to the gym or done yard work and you’re all dirty and grimy? Well that’s how I feel right now.

I get caught up in a flashback. And when I get myself back to reality, I feel like I need to sanitize myself. I feel filthy. It’s just how it felt when he did what he did.

And then I think about getting in the shower to get clean. And that triggers me all over again. It turns into a vicious cycle.

It feels like I’ll never get clean. There is this invisible layer of crud all over me. No one can see it. Even I can’t see it. But I certainly can feel it. And it really bugs me.

In the last day, I’ve taken to standing in front of the sink and scrubbing myself with a washcloth using the hottest water our plumbing puts out and lava soap. It doesn’t completely get rid of the dirty feelings, but it minimizes them.

I know I’m not the first person to talk about stuff like this. And I certainly won’t be the last. But it’s bugging me tonight and I have to get it outside of my head.

5 thoughts on “Feeling dirty

  1. M says:

    When you were a child you had no control over people or what was done to you. But now the situation’s different. Through your memories, your opinions, and what you say and do, you have much more power and control than you probably imagine. Long after the people who used and abused you are no longer on this earth or think the past is faded and dead, you will still hold this knowledge, and the memory and reputation of these people will depend on you.

    I think part of the problem’s not that you have so little control and power, but that in some ways you now have so much. The knowledge you possess is an immense responsibility.


  2. Ian…

    I’m working on keeping myself safe. I’ve talked with a few friends and have been using the coping skills I have.

    I still feel pretty rotten, but I’m hoping this latest crisis has passed.

    And Mr. Two Sheds (you do have two… not just one?)…

    Thanks. You know how much your support means to me.

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