Driving home from mass tonight, I heard one of the local DJs talking about her worst childhood experience. Listening to her triggered so many thoughts and feelings. But the strongest one was jealousy… at least I think that’s what it was. It was the word that seemed to fit the best.

So she was saying that her worst childhood experience was being at Sea World and having her cousin (with the blond curls) be picked to go up and get a kiss from Shamu and not her.

If that’s her worst memory… well… She probably had a pretty easy childhood.

And I’m jealous. All the things my parents and grandparents did to me. All the bullying and teasing that the other kids did. All the times I considered suicide.

And I feel horrible for being so jealous. I should be happy for her. She didn’t live through the hell I did. I should be happy for her. I wouldn’t wish my childhood on my worst enemy.

But I’m jealous. I must be a horrible person to feel this way.

10 thoughts on “Jealousy

  1. no, you’re not a horrible person at all: that much is clear from your blog entries!

    i get jealous too… i remember i used to go over my friends house sometimes after school and his dad and mum would like, talk in the kitchen and just sit around with a coffe and chat to them…
    i couldn’t understand it… it made me scared to be honest… what do they want? what is going on?
    but i also felt really jealous that my friend had such a type of relationship and it was a revelation to me that this is what some ppl call ‘normal’
    lots of support,

  2. we don’t think you are horrible at all. like you our normal and other people normal were never the same nor were their worst and worst, no comparison.
    To wish you had never had to endure all that you did…we can see nothing wrong at all with that.

    peace and blessings


  3. M says:

    It’s perfectly normal to compare experiences and lives. Everyone does this all the time. The wonderful thing is that you’ve come through your own most difficult past experiences knowing what is right and wrong, what is good and bad, able to distinguish between them, and capable of choosing good paths for yourself now.

  4. Thanks Ian.

    I had similar experiences growing up. I’d go to sleep overs and my friend’s dad wouldn’t come into the room in the middle of the night. And I’d wonder about it.

  5. Definitely not horrible.

    Lots of different things can cause people to limp, right? I wonder if there’s a whole slew of baggage behind that person’s Shamu moment — an unshakable feeling of insignificance or unwantedness despite an apparently “normal” life.

    Sometimes I’m jealous of folks who have very clear and obvious reasons for their limps — folks with a diagnosis, a label, that sort of validates or gives permission for the limp. Because I’m one of those with a pretty “normal” childhood, and yet I limp.

  6. bluepeony says:

    Hi, I am new to wordpress, and I just found your blog. I will be a regular reader.

    It is hard hearing about other people’s seemingly ideal childhoods. It took me quite a while to admit mine was not ideal.

  7. Hi bluepeony.

    I like your screen name :)

    Welcome to WordPress. And welcome to the insanity that is my blog.

  8. You are not a horrible person! Jealousy is just as “valid” an emotion to feel as anything else! and we are entitled to feel whatever we feel. Or I keep telling myself that–even when sometimes I feel things that I don’t want to feel.

    I experience feelings of jealousy too even though I don’t like to admit it. I want to be *perfect* and admit that oh, no…I never feel that! But come on…if we didn’t feel the entire spectrum of emotions we wouldn’t be human.

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