Austin has written a recent entry on not feeling clean after taking a shower.
This is something I struggle with constantly. I can rub and scrub all I want. I can use that horrible lava soap. I can have the water blistering hot. But I just don’t feel clean. I can see there is no dirt on my body. But I don’t feel clean.
I know the purpose of taking a shower. To get the physical dirt off the physical body. But no amount of rubbing scrubbing is going to get the dirt out of my mind. I know the only way to do that is by doing what I’m doing right now. The writing. Seeing my therapist. Doing my homework.
I’m finding with my shower therapy that the feelings of being dirty after finishing a shower are lessening. It’s getting easier to be in the shower. The panic doesn’t hit within seconds, but rather minutes. A few times, I’ve managed to take an entire shower (all 5 minutes worth of it) without the panic hitting at all. To me, that is a huge step forward. I’m also staying in the shower a bit longer. So a bit more progress.
But those feelings of being dirty… they just don’t go away. The feelings are worse after a shower and when I wake up. They diminish during the day. But they always seem to be there at a low level.
I can intellectualize the feeling dirty thing all I want. I understand why it came to be. But somehow that doesn’t help when I stand in the shower scrubbing until I’m raw.