To make a long story extremely short, I had another online run in with a person in the BOINC community over the last few days.
I was stressed nearly to my breaking point with all this crap going on with my visa. This incident pushed me almost over the edge today. My stress level got so high, I was having close to uncontrollable self injury urges for the second day in a row. It took all of my will power to keep myself from doing something I knew I’d regret. And I’m glad I managed to keep myself okay. But it would have felt really good (at least for a short time) to take out all these pent up frustrations on my body. And yes, I do know it wouldn’t have solved anything.
But the real point of this entry is how difficult it is to read the nice things other people say about me. With the blow up in the BOINC Trac Ticket system, I was in touch with one of the developers. I ended up talking to Rom on MSN after a short email exchange with him. It wasn’t so much the chat on MSN that got to me as was his last email to me.
It’s so bloody hard to read or hear nice things about myself. I end up questioning the other person’s sanity as what they say doesn’t fit into my own mental schemes. I know this kind of thinking is twisted and crazy.
Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to read…
You are such an idiot. How could you have done what you did? Did you not think? I regret the day I ever decided to have you on as a moderator and tester. The community would be better off without you! Just as soon as I get David on the phone, you’ll be removed as a moderator and banned from the forums.
But instead, I read…
You and Jord are providing a much need and valuable contribution to the project. … I very much respect and admire the role you both play, since it isn’t one that I can do without going crazy. … You and Jord got yourselves into the positions you are in because you are providing valuable input and insight into the development process. … I would like to point out another observation, you have had many more positive dealings with the development group than most others, you are in a position to know what our priorities are, what might change in the future, and where we might go. That is what I see when I look at how you classify bugs, all Lena saw was how a software feature affects her personally, not how it plays into the project as a whole. Please keep your chin up, BOINC is better with your help, than without your help.
I felt like complete crap inside when I read that. I felt like a fraud. I think I know Rom well enough to believe that he wouldn’t have written what he wrote unless he really meant it. But that doesn’t change the way I felt while reading it.
After all this blew up, I called my best friend and we ended up going out to BW-3. After a half dozen spicy garlic wings and a berry margarita we headed to a bar to watch the Indians game. There I had two very large (the big tall glasses) and very strong (roughly 3:1 alcohol to soda) rum and cokes. I ended up quite drunk. It didn’t feel all that great while drunk. It feels even worse now. This is why I don’t drink as a general rule. I end up feeling like absolute shit afterwards.
So now not only do I have the self injury thoughts going through my head, I have the suicidal ones too. Until I was stupid and got drunk, the suicidal thoughts had been remarkably quiet.
I’d call my therapist and see if I could get in, except I canceled the insurance on my car so I can’t drive. And I’m not much for driving without insurance nor calling my parents as they don’t know I was seeing a therapist to begin with.
Ugh… I’m such an idiot.