A cold spoon

I’m in the middle of being blitzed with some new memories. Is this the whole “I am now far away enough to feel safe enough for this stuff to come out” thing again? I’m having terrible body memories right now. Everything about this is so vivid. I’m doing my best to stay present, but I find myself slipping down into a dissociated state. I’ve got the A/C turned as cold as it will go and it blows right where I’m sitting. I’ve got WinAmp cranked up (George Strait is playing right now). And I’m writing this. I just try to keep telling myself that everything is okay, but it sure doesn’t feel that way.

I’m scared. I don’t know where all this is coming from. It’s all so vivid. I thought all of the memories had come out already. So why this? Why now?

I’m so tired…


The spring during second grade, I spent the weekend at my cousins’ house. Their father is my God-Father and is my father’s brother. I see so clearly D’s bedroom. Blue carpet and blue curtains and blue bedding and blue walls. My First Communion dress was hanging on the curtain rod so it wouldn’t get dirty. I was going to wear it to church with them the next day.

My uncle comes into the room. I’m not asleep. I see him get into D’s bed. I can’t tell what he had in his hands. I can see him touching her and then he sticks whatever it was inside of her. She doesn’t move at all. I wonder if she’s asleep or pretending like I do when I’m at home. He does it so fast.

Then he walks over to the bed I’m in. He climbs under the covers with me. I can feel his hands all over me. He reaches up under my nightgown and runs his hands along my stomach and back and chest. He is so cold. I can’t help but shiver. But I don’t open my eyes. I don’t want him to know I’m awake.

He gets up out the bed and turns down the covers. He pushes up my nightgown and takes off my underwear. I open my eyes real fast. I see what he has in his hand. It’s a huge metal spoon. Like the one you use for really deep soup pots. I close my eye just as soon as I see the spoon. I still don’t want him to know that I’m awake.

He takes my legs and spreads them apart. He runs his hands all along the inside of my legs. He sticks his fingers up inside of me. I can feel my body start to tighten up.

He takes his hands out. I open my eyes again. I see him reach for the spoon so I close my eyes again. He’s going to do the same thing to me that he did to D. I’m so cold. I can hear him talking to me. He’s telling me that this won’t hurt at all and I should just relax. He must know I’m awake. His voice sounds so calm, but I can’t relax. It does hurt. I feel like I’m being ripped in two. And it’s freezing cold. He’s pushing it in and pulling it out over and over again. I can’t believe how much this hurts. I’m silently begging him to stop. But of course, he can’t hear me.

He puts it back in and starts repeatedly turning it back and forth. The handle isn’t round. I don’t know how to describe it… Convex maybe? I can feel it scraping. The pain only intensifies. My entire body tightens up even more. He keeps telling me over and over again to just relax. He tells me how good it must feel. And he says that he wishes he could feel as good as I am feeling.

It hurts so bad I just want to cry. But I can’t do that. He’ll know I’m awake if I cry. All that goes through my mind is that I wish I were dead.

He finally takes the spoon out. He puts my underwear back on me and pulls my nightgown back into place. He gets back under the covers with me. He runs his hands through my hair and tells me what a beautiful girl I am. He keeps telling me to relax, over and over again. That he is there to make me feel good. He says that he knows that I like the spoon and that he’ll bring it again the next night. He tells me that he will ask my father if I can stay for an entire month during the summer. He tells me how wonderful it will be. And then he tells me to go to sleep and there will be a surprise for me when I wake up in the morning.

I can’t sleep. I hurt so bad inside. I keep thinking about what the surprise may be. I’m afraid that he may come back. I just want to go home.

9 thoughts on “A cold spoon

  1. kprsjohn says:

    Dear Katm

    We are so sorry you were put through this, my God we can only pray your child knows she did nothing wrong and it was not her fault. Please give her safe hugs (((Katm)))

    peace and blessings


  2. To all.

    I’m sorry it’s taken me a while to respond. I’ve been trying to keep myself sane.

    When the flashbacks hit, sometimes out of the blue, it’s extremely frightening. I know I know how to deal with them. I learned the skills a long time ago. But when faced with the memories, it can get overwhelming.

    My students help. I picture them and think about how I would feel if their uncle did this to them. And then I try to think the same things about my little girl.

    Even though I do that, it’s still hard to believe that it wasn’t my fault. That there was nothing I could have done to stop it. That him thinking I was awake or asleep really wouldn’t have made a difference.

    I’m tired. I’m physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted.

    I just thank the stars that I have friends around who let me bug them. It’s nice to know there are people online I can just say “Hi” to when I need to distract myself. And it’s good to know that I have friends online who will come on Skype when I send an email saying I need to talk.

  3. searching4me says:

    Gentle hugs for you. I’m so sorry. You were just a little girl. I don’t know why these things happen and why they do what they do. I’ve been having memories resurface too. It feels like my stomach is coming up through my throat. I can’t catch my breath…nor do i want to breath. I just want to be.
    I’m so sorry. xxx

  4. Sorry it took me so long to respond. I had a nightmare the other night that really upset me, and I wasn’t really up to commenting. I just want to tell you that it wasn’t your fault, and that you’re safe right now.

  5. searching… the sensation you describe. Yes yes yes. I’ve felt it. I hate it. And I just want to be left alone. Both from everything inside of me and everything outside of me.

    PA: Thanks. It means a lot

    Polly: Sorry you’re hurting so badly right now. I’m working really hard on convincing myself that I’m indeed safe.

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