So much to say…

…and no words are coming.

SI and suicidal thoughts are bad. Flashbacks are bad. I hate myself.

Just want all this shit to end.

11 thoughts on “So much to say…

  1. ae says:

    please hang in there.

    You have a counselor, right? This is one of those times when you get to call that person and ask for more help.

    something that helped me once was being told that those are old feelings–they aren’t being generated by the present. They’re feelings that children who are being abused have. And they will pass, as I work on my past, because I am making good choices in my present to keep myself from being there again.

    Maybe it’d be more helpful just to let you know I’m listening and I can hear you.

    Please be kind to yourself.


  2. No. No therapist. Never found one after moving to Korea. Don’t even know where to start looking here.

    I just have the blog, a few message boards and a couple of friends.

    I’ve put the walls back up. I’ve shut down IM stuff. I don’t really want to talk to anyone. I sent emails to the couple people I thought might worry if they don’t see me on IM.

  3. borderlinecrazy says:

    Just a note to say I so feel where you are right now. (I was there last week.) Insulate if you must, but please try to do whatever you have to to prevent SI/suicide (’cause you can’t take those back). Now I’ve sat staring at my flashing cursor for a few minutes trying to think of something inspiring and comforting to say, but I’ve failed because it’s not a thing that language can help with. I just hope you can dig in and hang on until the wave passes, because…it WILL.

  4. Thank you for alerting us. I pray strength, patience, wisdom, and especially hope for you right now. I hope you will look for a local therapist or possibly doing phone therapy with your stateside person. Maybe ask at a hospital or other medical center, and they ought to help you find someone. Or call the American Embassy who ought to refer you to the right resources.

  5. cherished79 says:

    Wow, you are struggling so much with things in your life right now. And I realize you don’t know who I am, but I am a survivor or childhood sexual abuse. I just had to say to myself one day, “Get on with your life, or he’s going to keep on winning”. Therapy was detrimental in my case.

    I hope I’m not huring you if that sounds firm, but for me the past is the past and keeping it with me day after day, was killing and destroying me.

    Hopefully things will turn around for you, as I know how dark these roads are. Take care and big hugs. (P.S. I’m not religious and surviving had nothing to do with God).

  6. I’m hanging in there. I spent the bulk of yesterday crying (I guess I make a proper entry about it). I was afraid the tears would never stop, but they did.

  7. timethief says:

    I’ll second Marcy’s congratulations Kat.
    Namaste ( I salute the divine light within both thee and me in the place and space within us, wherein we are one.)

  8. I felt this the other day and it did end. Sometimes we get a much needed break from crap but it seems to take forever for the break to come.

    Your fear of men is understandable. I have a feeling it is much like my fear of women. I have a generalized fear of them.


  9. Katherine says:

    My thoughts exactly. I have attempted suicide so many times and I am still here. Why, I really have no answer. But we keep going on with whatever kind of life we have. Take it day by day or hour by hour as I do most days, just hang in there and maybe one day things will change. I have no words of wisdom for any of us, just be good to yourself.


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