I just want to say fuck it all right now.

I simply don’t care if I live or die.

This stupid lingering cough is driving me nuts.  Add to it an allergy flare up.  I just lost the little food I was able to get into my stomach.  Between the snot running down into my stomach and the coughing triggering dry heaves.  Blech.

I’m tired.  I hate going to work.  I see those kids.  Especially the ones in the morning.   They’re only a little bit older than I was when the abuse started.  Or at least those are my earliest memories.  Somehow, I find it hard to believe that my relatives would have suddenly started all of this when I was 3 or 4 years old.

I know I should reach out to friends.  I can hear them telling me to do so.  But I can’t.  I just can’t.  I don’t want to burden them with the horror stories of my past.  It isn’t fair to them.  No one should have to sit there and listen to shit like this.

The only thing I can say is that I’m completely and utterly exhausted.  And somehow, I don’t really care what happens any more.

10 thoughts on “ARGH!!!!!

  1. kprsjohn says:

    Dear Kat m

    If you do not want to burden your friends with your past feel free to write to keepers with email or IM or whatever or even call us. We have been through it ourselves, and if it is too triggering we will cease reading and wait for it to subside. You are not alone. Write it out and send it. You need to get it out.

    peace and blessings


  2. All I can say is I hear you. And that we are made for community, and that includes helping bear the weight of each other’s burdens.

  3. Maypoles-of-life says:

    Thank God for friends that can cause you to laugh. Thank you for your response.

  4. OK is a relative term.

    But yeah. I’m OK. Some friends made me laugh the last few days. I’m avoiding sleep. But that’s another story.

  5. Ariel says:

    Wow, I’m new, and this post scares me. Are you ok?
    Please don’t give up. I think…..I think I need your help. You and others like you. I’m not ready yet, but I’m working on it.

  6. The reality is no one should have to experience the things that we have as incest survivors. A true friend will love you more for being honest and real enough to share all of who you are with them. I have been blessed with a spouse and friends who are there for me through the good and the bad. Being vulnerable is hard but well worth the gamble.

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