Anxious tonight

My anxiety seems to be going through the roof tonight.  I guess it’s anxiety.  It might be more of the PTSD stuff coming through.  Not so much flashbacks as the body stuff.  I’ve been trying to distract myself for the last few hours and it’s just not working.

I’ve noticed quite a bit more dissociation than typical.   I find myself going away while teaching.  I guess I keep on teaching, but I have no real conscious memory of it.  I assume a student would say something to someone if I totally shut down during class.  It would freak the little kids out, that’s for sure.  So I must just be working on auto-pilot.

There feels like there is so much to say.  But it just won’t come out.  It’s more of those gut level feelings that I can’t describe in any coherent way.  I get especially frustrated when this starts.

The only good thing I can say is that I think the Zoloft is finally starting to kick in.  I’m not as depressed as before.  Although, that’s not saying much because I’m still pretty damn depressed.  My sleep isn’t great.  I’ve been falling asleep faster, but waking up early.  It was 5:30 AM today.  After tossing and turning for an hour I gave up and got up.  I’ve also been waking up multiple times a night.  Note to self… don’t turn the TV on at 3 AM.  Korean porn isn’t the best thing to see in the middle of the night.  Hell, I’m not sure I’d want to see Korean porn even during the day.

Heh…  I just started wondering how many hits I’m going to get from people searching for “Korean Porn”.

God I need a life.

9 thoughts on “Anxious tonight

  1. It is frustrating to feel unable to articulate something. Have you ever tried any art or music as therapy? Or free association or stream of consciousness writing?

    Wishing you more sleep.

  2. First off – oh you’re slick you know that? Tossing in search engine terms sure to drive hits to your site. :-)

    Anyway, sure sounds like dissociation to me and it sounds like “skilled” dissociation. If your class isn’t freaked out then you are doing your job and not aware of it. As a professional dissociator I can say that detailed tasks can be accomplished w/ no real awareness of it, not you and not others UNTIL you come back and realize that your tasks are done. It’s worrisome to watch yourself do this or that and only have partial knowledge of it.


  3. Marcy… I’ve done a little bit of art therapy. I wish I had my flute here. I didn’t pack it this time. I tried writing the last few days and I just stare at the paper or the computer. Nothing comes out. This has to be the most frustrating feeling in the world.

    Austin.. Yeah. I’m pretty sure it’s dissociation. I haven’t had it quite this bad in a long time. I used to run participants through studies in grad school without having a clue how I did it.

    And on the search terms, boy will those people get a surprise. I’ll have to do one of the famous Experimental Chimp search engine posts.

  4. brightfeather says:

    I’ve been there too katm. What works best for me is the SAD light every day and out door physical exercise every day. When I get physical I come back into my body and dissociation is gone.

  5. Gina says:

    Yours is an issue I care deeply about Kat. I’ve just been downstairs polishing off a good cup of Lime Blossom Tea which is one of my remedies for panic.
    Lately I’ve also used a sound thing called Alpha Flight which I got as a free sample from this page:

    It’s quite a salesy site and they do send a lot of emails but I’ve found the free demo very effective especially in the early morning when I tend to feel yukky. I’m not associated with them in any way btw. I haven’t bought the course as it is pretty expensive.
    That’s my remedy for bad times now. Lime Blossom Tea (more powerful than it sounds) and this alpha wavy thing.
    Glad my Angel made you happy!

  6. Thanks for the hugs TT.

    Gina, thanks from stopping by and thanks for the link. I’ll try out the demo. And lots of emails from them? That’s why they invented gmail with it’s lovely filters. I’ll just use the address that I use for this blog to sign up and then when the first one comes, I’ll set it up to automatically send them to the trash.

  7. You HAVE a life my friend, is this really what you want to do with it? Sorry if that sounds harsh, but as someone who suffered for years, and years, that was the question I had to ask myself. All the medication in the world can’t remake your thought patterns! Only you can do that! The thought that turned me around was; “I WILL NEVER HURT THIS WAY AGAIN!”

  8. David,

    Thank you for stopping by. I think a response to this is better left to a post of its own. It’s only 7 AM here, so that will have to wait for a later time.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.