I’ve been rereading the Harry Potter series. Well sort of. I read books 1 and 2 a long time ago. I read 6 when it came out (because my roommate had a copy) and I read 7 when it came out (bought my own copy). So there was a lot I missed. I realized a few weeks ago the English bookstore here in town had the entire series in paper back. Why not I thought? I get a 25% discount for being a teacher.
So I just finished book 4 “The Goblet of Fire”. A good book, I really enjoyed it.
You’re probably asking yourself what this has to with anything. I promise I really do have a point.
At the very end of the book, Harry is back in Dumbledore’s office after dueling with Voldemort. Sirius is asking Dumbledore to let Harry sleep and not question him about the events in the graveyard. And Dumbledore says
“If I thought I could help you,” Dumbledore said gently, “by putting you into an enchanted sleep and allowing you to postpone the moment when you would have to think about what has happened tonight, I would do it. But I know better. Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.”
So often I have wished that I could fall into an enchanted sleep. A time where the nightmares and the memories couldn’t touch me. I have often wished to be able to forget my entire history. To start over from scratch as an adult. I have often wished for a magic wand where I could wave it through the air and go back in time. How far, I don’t know.
I know there’s only one path out of the nightmare. I know that what I’m doing now is the only way to keep on moving forward. I know that even though I don’t have access to therapy right now, I can still apply what I learned from the various therapists in my life.
The more I try to push down the memories, the more they hurt when they do come flooding to the surface. My mind is screaming at me to make them go away. And I essentially have two choices. I can keep stuffing. But eventually the place where I stuff them will fill and there will be no room for more. Once that happens it all comes flooding out at once. And that is worse than dealing with it as it comes up. Both ways hurt. There’s no two ways around that. But I have my choice between a moderate amount of pain and a soul crushing amount of pain. I just need to remember that although it’s easier to stuff all of it, in the long run, I’m better of dealing with it all.
I want to move forward. I don’t want to be stuck in this spot forever. But it hurts damn it. And I’d give my right arm not to have to go through this pain. I believe with all my heart that other people feel the same way too. I’m trying. And that’s all I can do. I’m trying to face what frightens me the most. I’m trying to trust other people. I’m trying to share my story.