Jealousy

Green Eyed MonsterJealousy. The Green Eyed Monster. Envy. Whatever you want to call it. I’ve been experiencing it.

I recently found out that my Linux tutor and his wife are looking to adopt. I should be happy for this baby (when they do finally adopt). He/she will grow up in a loving home, with loving parents rather than possibly being abused and/or neglected and/or unwanted and/or unloved. But I’m not happy for him/her. I’m insanely jealous. These are some of the strongest emotions I’ve felt in a very long time. And as much as I want to, I’m not having a whole lot of luck stuffing them back down. I know stuffing them isn’t a good thing. But I feel like such a crappy person being jealous of a baby who will grow up with good parents.

What does that say about me as a person?

I have all the confidence in the world that Eric will make a great father. He’s been nothing but patient, kind and encouraging when interacting with me. He seems genuinely happy when I succeed at doing something that I couldn’t do before. He’s concerned if he doesn’t hear from me in a while. They’re all traits that I imagine a good father would have.

The more jealous I feel the angrier I get with myself. The angrier I get with myself the more depressed and anxious I get. I’m writing this as a way to try to start working through the jealousy.

It scares me to think about what a horrible person this must make me. This goes against everything every single Sunday School and PSR teacher taught me growing up.

6 thoughts on “Jealousy

  1. This sounds like ordinary (i.e. acceptable, understandable, expectable) grief to me. He is not YOUR father, and your father will never be like him.

  2. Wow. But no, you’re not a horrible person. You know, I’m always – ALWAYS – insanely jealous of kids who come from a good home. Friends I know who become parents, and particularly, my therapist’s kid.

  3. katrice0321 says:

    Hi there. I just came upon your blog for the first time and want to encourage you as you go through this process. You’re not horrible. You’re human. Many hugs as you work through it…

  4. i agree with the others–it’s reasonable to feel jealous of kids who get to grow up without abuse, with loving parents, being wanted and cared for. it’s not like your jealousy is going to take that away from them. it’s not like your feelings mean that you’re going to hurt those children, just because they get something you didn’t. it’s HUMAN to wish you’d had it too. it’s like if you were starving, feeling jealous of someone who had three healthy meals every day–of COURSE you would be. where the problem would come in is if you were to take away other people’s food so they could starve because you did. and you’re not doing that.

    my own confession? *i’m* jealous a lot of the time when i read other people’s stories of surviving abuse, because there’s this voice in my head that notices things like “but for them it didn’t start ’til they were older” or “*they* had a teacher who noticed” or “they didn’t have to also deal with x, y, or z.” yeah, i find myself being jealous of people who clearly had it pretty badly, because they got positive things i didn’t. how low is that? (mind you, i can recognize that it’s a part of my own grieving process, and i try not to beat myself up over it, but it’s still there, and i still do feel a little guilty for the feeling.)

  5. Thanks all. This is just still really bugging me. I’m trying to work through the feelings. But they hurt. For so long I’ve been convinced that I’m a horrible human being, and these feeling (however irrational) just seem to reinforce that thought.

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