Jealousy. The Green Eyed Monster. Envy. Whatever you want to call it. I’ve been experiencing it.
I recently found out that my Linux tutor and his wife are looking to adopt. I should be happy for this baby (when they do finally adopt). He/she will grow up in a loving home, with loving parents rather than possibly being abused and/or neglected and/or unwanted and/or unloved. But I’m not happy for him/her. I’m insanely jealous. These are some of the strongest emotions I’ve felt in a very long time. And as much as I want to, I’m not having a whole lot of luck stuffing them back down. I know stuffing them isn’t a good thing. But I feel like such a crappy person being jealous of a baby who will grow up with good parents.
What does that say about me as a person?
I have all the confidence in the world that Eric will make a great father. He’s been nothing but patient, kind and encouraging when interacting with me. He seems genuinely happy when I succeed at doing something that I couldn’t do before. He’s concerned if he doesn’t hear from me in a while. They’re all traits that I imagine a good father would have.
The more jealous I feel the angrier I get with myself. The angrier I get with myself the more depressed and anxious I get. I’m writing this as a way to try to start working through the jealousy.
It scares me to think about what a horrible person this must make me. This goes against everything every single Sunday School and PSR teacher taught me growing up.