Someone once told me that Freud said depression is anger turned inward. I’m too tired lazy to look it up and see if it’s true. But regardless, I’ve been thinking a lot about the relationship between anger and depression lately. I’m trying to do all the right things. I’m taking my meds. I’m trying to take some time just for myself. I’m trying to eat right and exercise. I’m drinking more water. I’m trying to work through issues. I’m trying to get enough sleep.
But even with doing all of that, I feel like absolute shit. I almost burst into tears at work yesterday. I come home at lunch or after work and close the blinds and the windows. I just want quiet. With all the little people running around, I’m being driven into sensory overload right now. I’m not sure what’s triggering the overload. I’ve been doing this for a year without this level of distress.
Nothing seems right at the moment. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I don’t know what I want or where I want to be. The only thing I do know is that I don’t want to be around people. Maybe I should suck it up and go back to school and get a computer science degree. Then I could be a hermit and still make a living.
A lot of it boils down to dealing with the anger that’s been bubbling up inside. I don’t like feeling it. I know it’s not going to kill me, but it sure as hell can make me uncomfortable. That’s where the depression – anger link comes into play. I don’t like feeling the anger, so I know I’m stuffing it. Stuffing emotions never seems to make things any better (at least in the long run). But right now, it’s all I know how to do. I’m hanging on by a thread right now. If I actually tried to feel and/or process the anger, I think that thread would snap. But by not processing the anger, am I driving myself further down into the depression.
It almost feels like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don’t know how to move forward, and moving backward just isn’t an option. I’m at the point where a therapist would be very handy. I don’t think I can find one where I am and I certainly don’t want to do the internet therapy route. I’m on my own with this one. That scares me too. I don’t know why though. I’ve spent so many years on my own, taking care of myself. Hell, I should be an expert at it. But I just want to crawl into the closet and close the door.
Oddly enough, I did that when I was a kid. Maybe this is some sort of age regression thing going on too. I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m miserable. I’m going to keep doing the self care. I’m not giving up on that. Eventually things have to get better, right?