OK, that sounds weird. I’ve been SI free since February of 2001. That’s 8 very long years. That hasn’t changed the urges. When they hit, they hit strong and they hit fast. I’ve always been able to fight them off. No cutting was a pledge that I made to myself a long time ago. I don’t want to go back there. I can’t go back there. It’s just not an option. I have better coping strategies.

But… and it’s a big but…

Is letting Ivory scratch me while playing a form of SI? I know my emotional response should be able to answer the question. But I’m having trouble understanding the whole emotion thing right now. Part of it is because my brain is horribly fuzzy from being sick. Part of it is general stress and craziness at work.

Sometimes it feels good when she scratches. Sometimes it pisses me off. Sometimes I understand she’s just playing. I don’t want to get into the habit of letting her play rough. I don’t want to make her do my emotional dirty work.

Does this make any sense? I dunno. Part of me says it’s wrong. Part of me tells me I should start over from Day 1. And I guess that would be OK.

Anyone else gone through a similar situation? Anyone have any advice for me?