It hit me hard last night.  I’ve never actually felt sad before when thinking about my past.  I know this is probably a good thing.  It feels pretty bad.  And it kind of scared me.  But deep down inside, I realize it’s a new step in healing.

My biggest problem now is fighting the urge to push it all down.  I’m so used to doing that with emotions, that it’s an instant reaction.

I don’t want to be like that.  I want to be able to feel my emotions.  I don’t want to be so overwhelmed that I shut down.  I know it’s going to take a while.  It’s not something that will happen overnight.  It will also take work.

I’m going to take it in baby steps, much like the shower.  Maybe it’s ok to feel them a few seconds at a time and work my way up to where I can tolerate longer periods of time.

The other thing I’m not going to do is beat myself up for feeeling overwhlemed by my feelings and stuffing them.  It’s not a crime, and nothing bad will happen.  Yes, nothing bad will happen despite what I was told growing up.

Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t.  Maybe I’m destined to live my life as an emotionless robot.  Maybe that’s okay. However it turns out, I’ll know that I did try.  And maybe the trying is what’s really important.

7 thoughts on “Sadness

  1. drahtseiltanz says:

    I just wanted to tell you that I’m very proud of you. It’s great that you try and you’re absolutely right, that is what really counts. No matter how it ends, you did your best.
    I’m sending you strength and Greetings, Lisa
    (I’m also victim of child abuse)

  2. Hiacynt says:

    Hey Kathryn, I’m a new wonderer here, and simply wanted to say that I absolutely think you’re doing the right thing. I’m trying to do the same thing myself recently, and while my scars are a bit different than yours, dealing with one’s emotions constitues a very significant part of dealing with them, too. I try not to be afraid of them, not to run away at the slightest sign that they show up. Sometimes it’s merely a rational decision – I don’t ‘feel’ it being right, but I ‘know’ that it is the right thing to do. Lots of hugs, take care, and good luck on your path :)

    All the best!

  3. No one wants to feel bad. It’s human nature to stuff it down. Some of us just have more to stuff so we’ve gotten better at it.

    Trying is a good thing. You’ll get there when you’re ready.

  4. fading away says:

    So grateful that you are still writing. I have been reading your blog since last May and it is so encouraging. You have impacted many lives in such a positive way. Love.

  5. Our family knows the effects of PTSD. I am sorry you have had to go through so much trauma in your life. May you find some peace…sending you happy thoughts! (I am also adopted).

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