Lots and Lots

I don’t even know where to start.  I feel like I’m getting hit from a thousand different directions.  There’s some stuff going on at work that I really I don’t want to talk about.  But my job may be in jeopardy.  Not something that makes me feel all that secure.

My best friend is dying.  About 18 months ago, she was diagnoised with a rare and very agressive form of breast cancer.  It has since spread to her brain, spine and liver.  She’s still undergoing treatment, but is quite miserable.  I’m scared.  I love M like a sister.  I find myself boucing back and forth among the different stages of grief.  But mostly I find myself being angry.  And that scares me.  I’ve never done anger well.

Yuck.  That’s the only way I know how to describe how I physically feel.  I guess I need to find a doctor here in Daejeon.  I’ve been having nearly constant stomach pain for the last two weeks.  It doesn’t matter if I eat, don’t eat or what I eat.  My stomach hurts.  I have no appetite.  And honestly, I could care less.  When I do finally find a doctor (hopefully tomorrow), I’m going to ask for a repeat of the TSH/T3/T4 tests.  It’s been nearly a year, and I’m still just as miserable as I was when I had it checked the last time.  Hopefully this person will listen to me.

The Zoloft just isn’t working.  I can’t up the dose because if I do, I get horrible RLS type stuff going on at night.  Seeing as I don’t sleep well to begin with, I don’t need to add to the misery.

I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore.  Exercise doesn’t help, and it actually leaves me feeling worse.  My mood sucks and honestly, I don’t care all that much.  Yup.  I’m depressed.  I’m trying to do my best to hide it at work.  That’s essential when you teach.  But holy cow, it leaves me totally exhausted.  I come home and pretty much just want to collapse.  I have no energy or brain power to do anything I want to do.  I ordered a few exercise books so I could start practicing my flute again.  No energy, plus now I’m having joint pain in my hands.  Great.  I have a couple little programs I want to work on.  I find myself staring at the screen and rereading code snippets and not even comprehending them.

Sorry for rambling.  I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

3 thoughts on “Lots and Lots

  1. Ys says:

    Don’t apologise for expressing your feelings. It’s healthier to speak (write) them out loud than bottle them up. I wish you all the good health. I really hope things get better for you :/

  2. When I read this it reminded me of myself and how I shut down and shut out.

    I also think about how you recently lost your mother and are surely still grieving from that loss. Here we have another coming and the pain must be unreal. I believe anger is the natural course when a person has no control over the situation. But even if the response is natural it doesn’t mean its easy and clear cut.

    I’ve written several paragraphs then deleted them. Me, a woman of many words, also falls short of knowing how to help someone who is grieving. Perhaps a grief councilor would be in order since they know and are experts of that field. I think that would be different than a regular therapist who deals in abuses and stuff. I think a grief councilor might offer something more targeted towards what you’re going through right now.

    I’m at this point afraid to say the wrong thing for fear it’ll sound negative. Even though I don’t know what to say I’m still happy you wrote and let us know how you’re doing.

    I just want to let you know I can offer my virtual hand and nod of sisterly support. Oh hey, I finally got a working video cam. Maybe we can have lunch/dinner via video cam sometime? I know I need to do better with my eating and it would be nice to hear your voice again instead of seeing it in black and white. :-)


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