Laughing It Off

I happened to mention to my boss that the light in my bathroom had burned out.  I had tried to get the globe off, but I couldn’t.  I was afraid of breaking it.  She told me it would be kinda of expensive to call someone.  Silly me, I got used to my last landlord just fixing stuff like that.  So I told her I would try to get it off again.  Once again, I’ve failed.  Ihave no idea how this thing comes off the ceiling.  And yes, I’m still afraid of breaking it.  It turns about an inch to the right and the same to the left.  Hell if I know how it comes down.

Last night at our staff dinner, I mentioned to her I simply can’t get the globe off to change the light bulb.  She said she’d call the building manager.  I made a remark that taking a shower in pitch black darkness is less than pleasant.  She kind of laughed and said why.  It isn’t something I wanted to go in to with her, especially with the entire staff there.  So I just laughed it off.  There are no windows in my bathroom.  Going to the toilet doesn’t bother me.  I just leave the door open.  And honestly, I don’t have a problem with the toilet.  It’s the shower.  I’ve written before about my shower issues and how I used systematic desensitization on myself (with the help of my then current therapist).

But the fact remains.  I still have shower issues.  I hate them.  I’d rather be boiled in oil than take a shower.  The light keeps me somewhat grounded.  I’ve been having flashbacks in the shower lately.  And my PTSD symptoms have been pretty well under control for a while now, especially since starting on some new meds.  Why not just leave the door open?  The shower is directly opposite of the door.  And right outside that door, literally two feet, is my computer.  I’m not much for giving the computer a bath.  Something about electicity and water.  They don’t seem to get along.

But all I could do was laugh it off at dinner.  And I felt like I was denying the past I’ve been working so hard to accpet. That bothers me.  I feel like I’ve come so far since starting this blog.  But little things like a burned out lightbulb turn me back into a quivering mess of 4 year old jello.

Part of the problem is I’m angry with myself.  Cognitively I know this anger is displaced.  I should be angry at the assholes in my family who did these awful things to me.  But I keep falling back into the old trap of blaming myself.

How do I move forward?  How do I be honest with myself and others?  This is really bothering me.

One thought on “Laughing It Off

  1. The light fixture could be one of those complicated ones. Sometimes when people make stuff it seems like they’ve gone out of their way to complicate matters. You know those plastic wrap packages that stuff comes in? Did they need to make that so hard? No, but someone took a lot of time and effort into making it nearly impossible to open. Perhaps the light fixture was made by the same ‘make it difficult’ company.

    When it comes to certain triggers I manage them well but others I turn into a little girl who can’t think straight. My pain threshold is high for some triggers, since they were worked on so hard, but there are some that grab me by the throat and threaten to end all progress. It makes me feel like a failure, a wimp, a loser and a weak little child, the one I hate to admit I use to be. That feeling of humiliation can be so damaging….

    My other thought is this, I don’t know that you were denying your experience by not telling them why you want that light changed. There is a time and a place to express such things, perhaps that wasn’t the time or the place where it could be received and understood like it should be. There are general dinner topics for all, and there are areas of discussion best suited for people with whom we have a measure of trust.


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