Look Me in the Eye

I got my hair trimmed after work this evening.  As I was sitting in the chair, I suddenly noticed that I never really looked in the mirror.  As I thought about it, I realized that I rarely look in the mirror period.  When I brush my teeth, I look down into the sink.  When I brush my hair, I stare off into space (yay short bob!)  I don’t put on makeup, so there’s no mirror there.

So as I was getting my hair cut, I tried looking in the mirror.  While I could kind of look off to the side, I couldn’t look myself in the eye.  All those years of shame and loathing came flooding back.  I tried, I really tried to look myself in the eye.  I couldn’t do it.  The thought of it sent waves of panic through me.

Are there any other survivors out there who find themsevles in the same situation?  I’m curious if it’s just my weird personal tendencies or if it has something to do with the abuse.

One thought on “Look Me in the Eye

  1. I don’t look in the mirror much. I look at what I need to pay attention to and then get out of there ASAP. I don’t look myself in the eye much at all. I think if I attempted to look myself in the eye I’d look right through me. I wouldn’t see much because my brain would kick into dissociation. Like you, there’s a sense of shame and self loathing that doesn’t allow me to look at myself in the eye. I think its common with survivors. During times of heightened stress the reaction of looking at oneself can be much stronger.

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