Do Over?

Can I just have a do over for today?  Woke up later than I wanted.  Got to the p-doc.  Saw him.  Got meds adjusted (looks like what he gave me for nights will knock a horse into next week).  He decides on another IV of compazine.  Right wrist and hand out of commission for IV.  Why does this nurse pick the palm side of the base of my wrist.  Now I have a huge painful bruise.  Oh yes, and after they injected the compazine (ouch), the IV site hurt.  I finally asked then nurse to adjust it.  That helped.  Some.  Then the flashbacks kicked in.  I haven’t had one of this magnitude in ages.  Full sensory flashback.  I vaguely remember trying to curl up in a ball.  I vaguely remember my pdoc trying to get me to slow my breathing down.  I vaguely remember saying something like “No.  I hurts”.  He thought I was talking about the IV.  I was talking about the body memories.  He had the nurse take out the IV.  Slow I came back out of my head.  I was so embarrassed and ashamed.  I didn’t even look at my wrist.  Then I went to PT and saw the ortho.  He’s going to recheck the x-ray in another week.  He’s concerned there may be a vertical hair-line fracture in my wrist.  How the hell I might have done that, I don’t know.  I’ll go back to the pdoc tomorrow so he can check my wrist and let him know how the adjusted meds are working.

All I know right at this moment is both wrists hurt and I’m anxious as hell.  And that’s after 7.5 mg of Valium.

2 thoughts on “Do Over?

  1. There may be something about the position you’re laying in or the position of your hand that might also be triggering. Are you able to request that they use your arm instead of your wrist? That area is extremely painful but it is also an area when layed out that leaves us feeling vulnerable. Palms up leaves a person feeling exposed, palms down feels much safer.
    I have a pretty good idea of how that appointment went and a pretty good idea of the amount of embarrassment, even shame that came with it. I’m sending hugs from a distance cause I know this is so hard. I am so sorry.

  2. I went back today and apologized. He couldn’t figure out why I was. I guess you can’t understand unless you’ve walked a mile in our shoes.

    I slept last night… sort of. Had nightmares all night. The old ones like I used to have, but some new ones that I can’t completely recall. I’m not ready for another round of this. I feel like I’m going backwards.


    He also said the huge bruise on my wrist was because I was thrashing around so much on the bed. I honestly don’t remember that. Shit, and the bruise is huge. Like probably the size of 3-4 quarters.

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