SI Urges *Trigger Warning*

Right now I want to cut.  I want to take a knife and filet my arms down to the bone.  Then I want to do the same to my legs.  I can’t stand the physical pain of the fibro anymore.  I can’t stand the mental pain of losing my grandmother.  She was the only one in my fucked up family that didn’t hurt me.

I want to see the blood rushing out of my body.  I feel like my soul has been ripped to shreds.

I’m a useless human being.  My idea of a lesson for the kindergarteners yesterday was basically coloring.  I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t be happy teacher.

I want to stab the muscles in my neck and back.  I want them to have a real reason to hurt.

I want to go back to where I was in the late 90s.  Completely emotionless.  Spock and Data had nothing on me.  I felt nothing.  All those years of therapy to learn how to feel.  I’d give anything to go back to robot Kathryn.

I suck as a person.  I should be cut up into bits and fed to some big wild animal.

5 thoughts on “SI Urges *Trigger Warning*

  1. Phoenix says:

    Please don’t cut yourself. Know that I don’t think you are a useless person. I think that you are brave and couragous because despite all that has happened to you, you go on, you try to feel and you speak out about your abuse and its aftereffects. This make you a hero in my book.

    I am so sorry about your grandmother. but you have to know that she wouldn’t want you to cut yourself either. I can’t make this pain better but I want you to know that my thoughts are with you.

  2. I’m debating going to the p-doc tomorrow and showing this to him. But I’m not sure what his reaction would be…

  3. I don’t know what to say other than you’ve survived this far and you just keep on keeping on. I hope writing about the pain exorcises it a bit …

  4. Mo says:

    That’s very sad about your grandmother. You will have been immensely sad about her all the time since she developed Alzheimers. And you must be feeling torn in two, both grieving her loss and relieved that her battle against this terrible disease is at last over.

  5. I did go to the doctor. He did say the H word. I told him it wasn’t an option. What’s the point. I’m not actively suicidal. I have no idea what psych hospitalization in Korea consists of, but if it’s anything like in the US, I’d get nothing out of it. I wouldn’t understand anyone and barely anyone would understand me. No. Hospitalization isn’t an option.

    He didn’t adjust my medication, but did give me an IV dose of Valium because I was nearly hysterically crying and shaking like a leaf. The IV is just a plain old saline one, at least as far as I could tell. I kept getting colder and colder. They thought I was sick and was taking my temperature. Obviously I didn’t have a fever, in fact it was probably low (as usual). Three blankets later and almost the complete bag of IV fluid, they took it out. As I sat up, the room started to spin. Yay for gabapentin side effects. So I basically took my time getting up.

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