Right now I want to cut. I want to take a knife and filet my arms down to the bone. Then I want to do the same to my legs. I can’t stand the physical pain of the fibro anymore. I can’t stand the mental pain of losing my grandmother. She was the only one in my fucked up family that didn’t hurt me.
I want to see the blood rushing out of my body. I feel like my soul has been ripped to shreds.
I’m a useless human being. My idea of a lesson for the kindergarteners yesterday was basically coloring. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be happy teacher.
I want to stab the muscles in my neck and back. I want them to have a real reason to hurt.
I want to go back to where I was in the late 90s. Completely emotionless. Spock and Data had nothing on me. I felt nothing. All those years of therapy to learn how to feel. I’d give anything to go back to robot Kathryn.
I suck as a person. I should be cut up into bits and fed to some big wild animal.