Hospitals and Memories Collide

TMI warning

I’ve been having urinary retention issues.  Why?  Who knows.  Could have something to do with the handful of pills every day.

So after not going to the bathroom for 12 hours and getting a liter of saline, I was an unhappy camper.  The resident told the nurse to drain my bladder with a catheter.  Not fun, but I had it done before (side effect of anesthesia for me when I had back surgery).  It was unpleasant and brought back memories loud and clear.  I kept my eyes open and that helped keep me grounded.  After three or four times of doing this, and it getting harder for me each time to keep myself in the present, the resident decided on a catheter that would stay in.  I thought I could deal with it.  I didn’t realize that my body wasn’t going to habituate to this thing inside of me.  I could feel it constantly and it hurt.  I was on the edge of panic when the nurse came to check and I begged her to take it out.  I couldn’t explain in Korean why.  I felt crazy.  Finally she did take it out.  I huddled under my blanket and cried for a good while.  It’s been a long time since I was triggered like that.

What makes me the most upset is that I let it get to me.  I couldn’t shut the memories in a box or any of those other things they tell people with PTSD to do.

Even worse is I don’t have to words to describe what’s going on in my head.  And I wonder if I’ll ever be free of this.  I go for months and I’m fine.  Then everything goes to hell in a hand-basket.

Just writing it makes me tired.

2 thoughts on “Hospitals and Memories Collide

  1. Awww … big gentle hugs to you xxx you are going through a tough time – and I think we all (well a lot of us anyway) have a box in our head with a whole lot of rubbish in it, and we think we’re chugging along fine and then something just clicks and the bloomin’ box spills open and all the rubbish comes tumbling out and all the emotions that go with it too. To all of that we then add the emotions we now feel about not being able to cope with it, and somehow feeling like we should be able to … so go gently on yourself, you are doing so well, and I can’t think of many people who would sail through have a catheter – I’ve had to have a few – and not fun at all. Hope your day improves xx

  2. cheria says:

    i feel u boo i’ve had a cath before it is mst unpleasant.i hope u feel better for the box issue ,yeah i was jst tlkin to by best frind abt tht .whn it hppns it is truly overwelming and i hv dne sme nt so gd things to deal with me anything feels better than tht.and i cant reallyy explain wht going on in my head ethier or my body for tht mttr how hard it gets keep dealig drg ths demons out what i have to do as well. MUCH LOVE

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