The face in the mirror (both physical and mental) is obviously distorted. I got my recommendation letter from my old old boss this evening. I laughed aloud when I read it. I mean no disrespect to C, but the way she saw me is not the way I saw myself. I remember this happening once before when getting letters for grad school. Even though I checked the box on the form waiving my right to read them, every single one of my professors put a copy in my hand and said read it, but not now. When you’re home. I laughed myself silly. How could these people that I respected, and even worked with on research think this way of me.
I thought I had put that behind me. I thought I had grown a bit of self esteem. But all I can think is who is this letter about? Can’t be me. I’m just you’re average everyday run of the mill teacher. There’s nothing excellent or outstanding about it. Part of me wants to edit it to make it reflect the real me. But at the moment, I don’t know who the real me is. Is the woman in the letter or is the woman I look at in the mirror every day?
Speaking of which, I do see changes, especially with the dental work. But I wouldn’t describe myself as pretty. It always bugged me when my last boss pointed out I had a pretty face. Or, pretty by Korean standards (pale skin and blue eyes). I printed out one of my hanbok pictures and gave it to my dentist because it’s the first picture I’m smiling in. He and his wife think I look like Renee Zellweger. I don’t know what to think.
All I know is I was at the dentist 3 hours today and the Novocaine is wearing off leaving my mouth and body screaming in pain (yay for sunny and 55 to 40 and rainy overnight). My dentist loaned me a Robin Cook book that I haven’t read yet (Chromosome 6) so I’m going to climb in bed with two fuzzy body warmers.