Or maybe just some of it. OK, probably none of it.
My brain is utterly fried. I don’t know what to blame it on… constant stress, depression, anxiety, fibro. All of the above, maybe?
I guess if you want to look on the plus side, my PTSD symptoms are pretty much nonexistent aside from anxiety and a wicked startle response. But I’m bone tired. Like stay in bed all day bone tired. And my bones hurt from the cold. Spring can’t come soon enough for me.
My doc started me on a muscle relaxant at night. While that’s a good thing (I think since I’m not waking up with spasms in my back and legs) my muscles seem to clamp down even harder during the day. I could barely straiten my back yesterday.
I’ve applied for my state’s medicaid program. I’m trying to figure out what the next step with them is. The website isn’t exactly clear. I guess I need to go in person. Luckily for me, there’s an office in the city I live in. It’s just a depressing place to go. I’ve already found out that my current PCP doesn’t take medicaid. Bad because I hate getting established with a new doctor. Good because, well, to be honest, I didn’t really like my PCP to begin with. On the other hand, who knows. The new one could be worse. And all this is stressing me out too.
I think the only thing keeping me sane is my kitties. I’m house/cat sitting for someone this week. Their kitty loves me. He always wants to be on top of me, kneading me. And damn it. It hurts. I can only put him down so many times before he gets more insistent. Oh well. It’s only for a few more days and then I’ll be back with my mostly non cuddly kitties.
Thanks to the friend who listened to my whine like a baby. She reminded me there are reasons to go on, especially one little cross-eyed cat.
I can wait until she comes over to Korea to be with me. I need my bed buddy.
My fuzz balls are back in the US with my brothers. I miss them so much. Didn’t matter they weren’t in my bed, I woke up all scruched up against the wall.
I think when I get to Hong Kong and get a bit of money saved (apartments are horribly expensive – no eating out for me unless it’s like the buck sushi rolls I can get in Korea) I’m going to get a cat. I don’t think I want another kitten. I’m hoping to find a animal shelter. Maybe I’ll foster so I don’t have to worry about bringing another cat home or maybe I’ll adopt. If I could find a black turkish angora I’d be in heaven. I’d name him/her Ebony. Then I’d have Ebony and Ivory (love that song).
Once again, not resolutions, just random goals. It would be nice to achieve them, but if I don’t, at least I tried.
- Keep up the healthy eating. And that starts with actually putting food in my body again.
- Clean up the travesty of a desk. I think cables multiple when we sleep.
- Get baby Mac fixed or sell the bloody thing. I’m not up for a three OS household thing.
- Either get a new TV or find a way to get a signal from my computer (server or mac) to the ancient piece of junk. Personally, I’m all for the new TV, or even a newer second hand one.
- Keep the litter box clean and appreciate my kitties all the more. Plenty of love and catnip.
- Get the depression and PTSD back under control and be more consistent with my PT for the fibro.
- Be kinder to myself. I’m only human. I don’t deserve to be beat up for small mistakes.
I was going to write a blog post, but a recently shaved white cat is getting demanding. I didn’t get home until 9 and goodness forbid I didn’t feed her first. So before said cat meows her way out of her skin I better feed her. And to drive her point her home, she’s sitting on my hands.
Lots of rest today. I knew that was going to happen. But I did do my cardio and about 75% of the ab workout. Oye, my abs sure do feel it.
There’s a punching part to the cardio workout and while I’m doing it, I find myself angry. Ten years ago (actually longer) my therapist promised I’d get angry someday. I never really believed him. And maybe I’ve had flashes here and there, but never Anger. When I’m doing those punches, I’m pissed off as hell. And I have a picture of certain people in my mind.
Now I’m sweaty and tired. I’m going to try to take a shower (ugh, night showers, still rough) and chill out until bedtime. I’ve got “Robin Hood: Men in Tights” queued up in VLC. So I’m up for a good laugh. Either that, or I’m going to put a season of Star Trek: TNG (the best one, IMHO) in queue.
And if a certain cat doesn’t stop walking across the desk as I type, there will be cat soup for dinner. I won’t mention any names but she’s chubby and brown and her name starts with a G and end with an idgette.
Not a bad day at all. Got my pain shots and hopefully, they’ll last until Tuesday. I only been half sleeping because of the pain. I didn’t even think about asking for pain meds. Oh well, the world will keep on turning.
I’m still trying to work up the never to publish the pink pajama stuff. It’s in my private blog. It’s no worse than anything else, but I’m still having trouble with it. People used to tell me I was courageous for telling my story. Well, I’m not very courageous now. I just can’t do it. I panic thinking about it.
Rain is in the forecast for the next two days. Wet weather usually means pain. But I need to get to the store. I dropped my lamp and burned out the light bulb. I hate this 100000 watt overhead light of mine (which is in the process of dying too). I need litter. The vet closed early so I didn’t get it on my way home. I need something to wash my floor. That will be a 2 day project. Vacuuming on Saturday and mopping on Sunday. I’d like to organize my one storage area, but that depends on my energy level (which has been shit lately).
I caught a gig to do some voice over stuff. All they wanted was a female native English speaker. And the guy who need said person is a friend of a Korean coworker. 100 bucks for 2 hours. I’ll take it. That can go to cover Gidgette’s last round of blood work.
Time to feed the kitties. Gidgette so lovingly puked early this morning.
I was downtown today and noticed the leaves. Actually I was downtown yesterday too and took some pictures. But it was cloudy and yucky. Today it was nice and of course my camera battery was on the charger.
Tomorrow is Halloween. No teaching, but students hopped up on sugar.
I tidied up the apartment and cleaned out the refrigerator. I hung up one load of laundry and put more in the washer. I didn’t start it though. I’ll do that tomorrow morning so I can hang them up tomorrow night.
And as it’s nearly 9 PM, the cats are giving me the “Feed me or I’m going to starve to death in the next 10 seconds” look.
I’ve got folliculitis (??) and my face and arms look like pepperoni pizzas. Saw a derm twice before today. Gave me all topical stuff. No change. Got a second opinion from someone else. Same dx, different treatment. 7 days of oral meds plus an antibiotic ointment.
I was feeling good until today. I couldn’t get warm. My boss even remarked I had a sweater on. But the building (and my apartment) were colder than outside. The weather was changing all day and the fibro pain is flaring up. I was really tired today, for no particularly good reason. I guess I’ll try to get Dr. K to treat my neck and upper back tomorrow and then do the PT.
It’s raining now, I’m going to close the windows and turn the heat on low and try to get warm. I will find an electric blanket in the country if it kills me.
Oh yeah, cats like their new food.
It’s Monday. That was the first problem. I was sick all weekend and this morning I couldn’t drag my butt out of bed. Thus, no meds until tomorrow. This morning I stepped in cat puke on the way to the bathroom. Great. I think I got a bad bag of food because neither Gidgette or Ivory will eat it. I came home and there was poor Gidgette dry heaving and finally bringing up a bit of water. Put dinner in fridge. Put cat in carrier. Put shoes back on. And turn right around (the vet is in the same building I work in). Three sticks to get enough blood while I’m trying to hold up an 11 pound cat up. My arms were shaking, I was upset. Blah blah blah. Some abnormalities mainly due to not eating. So I have to wait 3 hours before I can give her her medicine which means I’ll be up late.
Now I’m in no mood for diner. I’m cold and I’m tired and I hurt like hell. All this started happening when I changed their food (my vet doesn’t carry the kind they ate before).
Hopefully I’ll get some sleep tonight.