Depressed

I’m depressed. I don’t really have the option of seeing the doctor right now. I will have to wait until I get back to Korea. Part of it is a flare up of the Fibromyalgia. I’m in so much pain right now it hurts to type. I’m using my new tablet with it’s speech function to write this. The cats is laying on top of me and that hurts. I kick her off but she comes right back up. Yesterday, when I took my shower the water on my skin was terrible. I started back on the Gabapentin. I know it should help with this kind of nerve pain, but waiting for it to work is not fun.

This sounds horrible. I do much better when I can type. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. If it is, then I can actually type are real blog entry. This speech thing is fun and it works pretty well. I just don’t think this way. But it is definitely handy.

Slow but Sure

It feels like it’s taking forever to get any sort of strength back.  I lost 13 pounds over the last 3 weeks.  I’m off the IV antibiotics and the nausea is not here today.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring though.  The Cipro isn’t bothering me and I no long er need pain meds aside from the ones I’m taking for the fibro.

Now that the stitches and PICC line are out I was able to shower.  Just using a cloth isn’t the same.  It feels good to be clean (though I’m sticky and sweaty due to lack of A/C in the house).

I guess it’s now a matter of taking it day by day.  The fibro flare is settling down.  I should start PT sometime next week.  But today I’m going to chill and do something mindless.

I Don’t Know

I just don’t know.  I think I’m going through some PTSD regression stuff.  I’m having shower and bed issues.  I’ve been sleeping on the couch downstairs.  I say it’s because it’s too hot in my room, but really, I don’t want anything to do with my room.

I’m having trouble staying med compliant.  I rarely take my sleep meds.  I still sleep, but with so much REM it’s not refreshing.  Pain meds…  not the best at taking them either.  I feel like I deserve to be in pain.

It’s not easy to sit here and write this.  I can’t put things into words right now.  I can’t concentrate on anything, in fact I’ve lost interest in my Fortran course and learning the ins and outs of XCode (I’m back on a Mac).

I wish I could throw up.  It would make me feel better I think.  My stomach is all churned up again, probably because I’m not taking those meds like I should be.  I’m not sure how long I’m going to last in the states.  It’s been a month and I feel like I’m losing my marbles.

Cymbalta

This is the first time I’ve been on Cymbalta.   I’ve been on it a month.  It’s definitely made a difference in my depression, but I think it’s helping the pain too.  I finally came out of that flare.  God it felt like it lasted forever.  The pain is almost totally in remission.  The fatigue not so much.  But I think I’ve been pushing my body a  bit hard.  If I want out of the house, I have to go where the car  goes.

But…  I got permission to take the car to the park tomorrow.  I’m going to take some pictures.  I miss doing that.  I can shoot on my good camera until the battery dies.  I’ll have to get a new charger for it as it’s 220 not 110 like the States. My old camera takes regular batteries so I’ll grab some of those and just relax.  m I can do some easy hiking and get some exercise.

Away for a Bit

Let’s just say I went off the deep end yesterday.  Suicidal, plan, taking cats to vet to be adopted out.  The whole nine yards.  I managed to talk Dr. P from throwing me in the loony bin (though the Korean loony bin might have been interesting, goodness knows the American ones are).

So he got my endocrinologist to admit me to a regular floor.  The biggest thing is I’m exhausted.  Like beyond belief.  In the middle of a fibro flare and then I quit my job.  But that’s for another post.  Let”s just say it’s the best thing I’ve done for myself in a long time.  I have baby winduhs and I have wifi.  So I can check email and stuff.  But right now I’m going back to bed.

 

Oh yeah.  They weren’t too happy when the resident came for rounds and I hadn’t eaten.  Apparently they bring trays at 7:30 (who wants to eat at that hour?).  I didn’t even hear them.  She said in a slightly snotty voice that I had to eat.  Duh.  I will.  Can you let me get my eyes open and you into focus first?

 

 

New Years 2012

Once again, not resolutions, just random goals.  It would be nice to achieve them, but if I don’t, at least I tried.

  • Keep up the healthy eating.  And that starts with actually putting food in my body again.
  • Clean up the travesty of a desk.  I think cables multiple when we sleep.
  • Get baby Mac fixed or sell the bloody thing.  I’m not up for a three OS household thing.
  • Either get a new TV or find a way to get a signal from my computer (server or mac) to the ancient piece of junk.   Personally, I’m all for the new TV, or even a newer second hand one.
  • Keep the litter box clean and appreciate my kitties all the more.  Plenty of love and catnip.
  • Get the depression and PTSD back under control and be more consistent with my PT for the fibro.
  • Be kinder to myself.  I’m only human.  I don’t deserve to be beat up for small mistakes.

Bugger

I’m leaving my job after my contract ends.  Ordinarily I’d stay.  But my boss has cut our winter break from 5 to 3 days.  You don’t know how much I need those five days.  The franchise fed her some cock and bull story that hogwons don’t give five days in the summer and the winter.  That’s crap.  I’ve worked at two other and talked to other people.  You get 5/5.  I can’t believe my boss bought it.  AND she broke my contract.  If I were a vindictive bitch, I’d take her to the labor board.  I’m not.  I saw next year’s schedule.  I have even fewer hours.  I’m not working for half of what she put in my contract.  I should have insisted she put the original amount.  I let her put what I’m getting now.  So I’m going to try to get a job at the same school as some friends.  I like the franchise books, but once you’re out of their ESL course, they frankly suck.  They have some sort of online things for teachers.  There are twelve units in the book.  I’ve yet figured out how to get past unit 8 on the web site.  I managed to find the answer key for one of the workbooks and printed the chapter I needed.  There was like 90% overlap between the two.  Book used word A, key used synonym B.  There are more than the average number of mistakes in the books.  I can’t spell.  God knows I be up shits creek without a spell checker.  But one of the authors on the series is a native English speaker.  How you do miss dong for doing, two pages in a row.

Yes, I’m venting.  Before this shit hit the fan, I had to deal with doctor turf wars.  The rheumy gave in and took out the Prozac (which I was going to ask him to do anyway) and the sleep med he prescribed.  I had two blissful weeks of sleep.  Now I’m back to sleeping but not sleeping.  Psych has me on amitriptyline, probably enough to put a normal horse to sleep.  It’s not helping me sleep.  He has me on tiny amounts of Valium and Klonopin at night.  He said that whatever sleep med the rheumy prescribed had the highest abuse potential of any sleep aide.  Have I ever shown him addictive potential in nearly two years?  No.  And the man hands out Valium like it’s candy. I’m going to give it the weekend.  I’ve already spent the days sleeping because I don’t want to deal with the pain (and I wad tired as hell).  Yes, I have pain killers, but I’m afraid of tolerance (different than addiction, thank you very much).  I need to ask a doc about that.  It’s Tramadol + acetaminophen.  I don’t like the acetaminophen one bit.  But apparently it’s supposed to give the Tramadol a boost.

OK, I think that’s enough for one day.

Health

The blood work my rheumatologist did last week came back generally OK.  My cholesterol is still a titch high, but I’m pretty sure it’s been that way for years.  One of the side effects of the meds I took years ago was raising cholesterol and triglycerides.

He’s still confident that fibromyalgia is my problem.  He has me on Ultram.  Yay for pain management.  I kept begging Dr. K  for something for the pain.  He told me to take Tylenol, which does nothing for me.  I have the list to show to Dr. P if he wants to change any of his medications.  In the week on these meds, everything has been OK. I’m not pain free.  But I don’t feel like I need to get the lidocaine injections to manage.  I tweak my left shoulder (probably putting up the lights) so Dr. K did an ultrasound guided injection.  Sorry, I thought it was cool to watch the needle go in as I could see the ultrasound screen.  He remarked the area must be very inflamed because the lidocaine went in so easily.

So as before, I’m mainly healthy, but fat.  And I’m working on the fat part.  I’m happy because the oranges from Jeju are in season.  I’ve been eating those for breakfast, a regular lunch, and then a couple oranges for dinner (note, these are huge oranges).