Brain Mush

Yup.  That’s about it.  Plus I’m tired.  This round of injections seems to have calmed down the muscle pain.  But I still hurt overall.

And since I can’t keep my eyes open, I’m going to bed.  Three days until Chuseok.  Sadly, it’s only two days off this year.  Last year we had the entire week off.  I’m not going any where.  Koreans all go back to their ancestors towns.  I’m not touching a bus or train with a ten foot pole.  Most places will be closed so I’ll just stay in and relax.

Ouch

Hurting tonight.  I brought home a little bit of work, but it’s going to stay in the bag.  Harry Potter is on.  I’m going to veg out with a glass of lemonade.  Note: Ask for real pain killers tomorrow.  Just enough to get me through this flare.

And when I go through my pics from the weekend, maybe I’ll upload some here.

PA’s Wonder Cane’s Korean Cousin

PA often talks about wonder cane (go read her blog, it’s totally worth it).

Well, if this keeps up, Wonder Cane is going to get a Korean Cousin.  Three nasty falls in two months plus numerous other wobbles.  Oh yeah, half the time I don’t sit down on my bed, I kind of fall onto it. I was reading a fibro message board where people were talking about balance problem being another symptom of fibro.

I’ve had balance issues all my life.  I fall up and down stairs.  I fall over my feet.  I fall over non-existent cracks in the sidewalk.  The running joke is if I didn’t have 15 years of dance classes I’d be up a creek without a paddle.

Sorry, I’m sick and have been all weekend.  I don’t feel like writing much.

Fibro History

This is for my own personal use, interesting to see the pain has persisted nearly 30 years.

 

 

Generalized pain – Elementary School (upper grades) – Prescribed calcium supplements by pediatrician

Generalized pain, fatigue, depression – Middle School – Nothing done, didn’t trust parents or doctors

Generalized pain, fatigue, depression, confusion – High School Senior Year 1993-1994 – pediatrician referred to infection disease specialist (Cleveland Clinic) – massive amounts of blood work, consistently elevated sedimentation rate – No further referral given

Generalized pain, exhaustion, depression – College 1996 – University Health Center – Screened for fibro – diagnosis not given because of too few trigger point reactions, doctor said he strongly suspected fibro but couldn’t give diagnosis (wouldn’t have done any good, he was on of the weekly rotating resident through the university)

Generalized pain, exhaustion, depression – Graduate school 1997-2000 – Treated for depression and PTSD – no doctor (in hospital or PCP) considered anything but mental illness

Generalized pain, muscle knots in trigger points, exhaustion, react to all fibro trigger points – Being treated with gabapentin, sleep meds, PT, and trigger point injections as needed.

Explanation

To those of you who are worried, don’t be.  I think it’s more about the physical pain from the fibro.  I kind of had it under control then the shit hit the fan at work.  I’m physically exhausted.  I can’t wait until Saturday so I can rest.  But knowing me, I won’t.  I can’t believe how fast this floor gets dirty.  I really need to mop again.  And Gidgette has been throwing up and having really soft stools randomly, so she might have to go to the vet on Saturday.  And I’m supposed to show up for PT on Saturday.  And I need to go to the post office.

The fun for today was waking up, putting weight on my left foot and almost falling down.  The point where the muscles join the tendons in my calf was all in spasms.  Dr. K did the injection there too (including my back) and they treated it in PT as well.

I’m tired.  I think I get one thing figured out then three more things fall in my lap.

One Day At a Time

I woke up with back spasms.  Not fun.  I took my meds and went back to bed.

I got back up and went to a coffee shop.  I had some (very strong) Korean Lemon tea and finished my stupid phone calls.

I came back home and fell back into bed.  I need some sort of muscle relaxer.

I got up to an email from my boss wanting me to transcribe a video for her church.  “It’s only 6 minutes”…  Do you know how long it takes to transcribe 6 minutes of audio?  About 60.  I was not happy.  Yay vacation.

I set up a redbubble account for my art.  The option is there to buy.  Why anyone would want to…  I put up some of my art therapy stuff and some of my photography.

And now, as my back is still is spasms, I’m going to try to stretch again and go to bed.  One day of vacation left.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Tired and Sore

Yeah.  I had fun in Seoul yesterday.  Today I’m paying the price.  I got up at 9 as usual, and ate some breakfast.  Then, back to bed.  Got up at noon, ate some lunch (actually the same cereal I ate for breakfast).  Got up a few hours later and finally managed to get dressed.  I went grocery shopping and bought the essentials.  Came home and took some pain meds.  Made my rounds of the internet and now it’s time for bed.

Tomorrow I’m going to go for PT, head to the bank and the post office.  I still have my stupid phone calls to make.

Also, I thought I’d add a piece I did while waiting for the train yesterday.  By the way, I figure if I suck at drawing people, I’d make them people like but abstract enough to, well, be my style.

 

Fatigue

Rest

Today was a day of rest for me.  One of the cable channels was doing a Harry Potter marathon, so I left that one and slept on and off.  I did go out for dinner and then to a coffee shop to finish grading tests.  It’s  nice not having that hanging over me.  Tomorrow I have to see Dr. P and Dr. K.  I basically need med refills from both.  And I have PT too.

I have this sharp pain in a new place, right under my collar bone on the left side.  The same side on the right is tender but not painful like the other.  I hate this.  I finally get my neck and shoulders under control and something new pops up.  I know fibro isn’t fatal, but I can see how it could drive someone to suicide.

Hell, the suicidal thoughts I’ve been having haven’t gone away, nor have the SI ones.  I’m just trying to take things one at a time.  Doing art has helped some.  But right now I feel blocked.  I feel like there’s a brick wall between my brain and my hand.  We all know most of my work is abstract, so why not just put some color on paper?  Because it has to mean something to me.  I could do that, but it would be nothing more than colors.

Okay, So It Is In My Head

No, I’m not saying fibro isn’t real.  It’s as real as cancer and diabetes.  But gosh darn if stress doesn’t make it worse.  All these changes at work.  Vacation coming up (I don’t do vacation well) where I’ll probably get up, go to PT, come home and sleep all day.

I don’t know what to do about the work situation.  It’s not like I’m working more hours than my previous job, but there’s a bit difference in 25 and 55 minute classes.  Five 55 minute classes in a row (essentially a full day for me) is exhausting.  Right now I have one.  When my schedule changes I’ll have four.  There’s nothing I can do about it either.  This is how it’s going to be.

Today I decided to sleep in and skip PT.  Bad idea.  Tomorrow is injection day so I have to get up.  It’s not even 8PM and I’m so tired I could drop.  In fact, I think I’ll feed the kitties, scoop the litter box and hit the hay,.

Cleaning

Sometimes I just get into a mood where I HAVE TO CLEAN OR THE WORLD WILL END.  Silly?  Yes.  Rational?  No.  Understandable? Probably.  I think it has a lot to do with still feeling dirty from being raped.  Being sexually abused and being raped are like two different things to me.  I don’t know how to explain it.

I know this OCD like cleaning thing is part of my PTSD.  It’s really hard on my body when I get into one of these moods.  I stripped and changed the linens on the bed.  Hung up a load of laundry.  Put another load in.  Swept up the big stuff.  Vacuumed the dust and little stuff.  Cleaned the litter box (note to self – need more litter).  Did the dishes.

I had almost no pain until I started this marathon.  Now my whole body aches and my specific trigger points are up to a five.  And I’m tired.  I feel like I ran 5 marathons.  Luckily I wrote my tests for next week this morning.  So it isn’t looming over my head.  What is looming over my head is the python course I was doing.  I did great on lessons 1 and 2.  Three just overwhelmed me.  I don’t know how much of it is the depression, the fibro fog or the meds (gabapentin makes me head do weird things).  I printed the lessons out because I feel like I can focus my attention better on paper than on a computer screen.  And then there’s the ever calling sirens of Twitter, Facebook and Wikipedia.

So my plan is to take a hot shower and focus on stretching those muscles that are bothering me.  I’m going to take my evening meds and let them work their magic.  If there’s something good on TV, I’ll watch it.  If not, I throw a few show into a playlist in VLC and watch that.