First day back after a long break. My anxiety level was climbing all weekend. It was so bad last night, I ended up taking a Klonopin. I even needed to take one this morning. My anxiety is usually much more controlled.
Once I got back, I got back into the groove. All the babies were glad to see me. L reached her arms up as soon as she saw me. I picked her up and she just giggled. I said “Hey D Man” to D and he turned and gave me a huge smile.
When I left, A was rocking back and forth on his hands and knees. Now he’s properly crawling.
There’s so much development that happens in two weeks when you’re talking about babies under a year.
I found out this morning that I don’t have to do any office work. I don’t have to enter notes for the other teachers. I don’t have to answer the phone in the afternoon. Well, from 5-6 I do. The school age teacher is holding onto the phone until she leaves at 5.
I really think the owner is afraid of losing me. She really can’t afford to lose any staff. And she needs my degree to move her star for Step Up to Quality. It feels good to be needed. But not for the cost of my mental health.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I tried to get into the agency that I saw before. They take Medicaid. Just not my version of Medicaid. Then don ‘t advertise that you take Medicaid. That pisses me off more than anything. If I had known that I could have put the energy into finding someone who does.
It seriously took all my mental energy to call this place. I’m sitting here shaking like a leaf, about ready to throw up. I want to cry, but I’m determined not to.
Maybe I’m taking this all too seriously and personally. But I can’t help it. I know I need this. It’s just disheartening.
I should just go jump off a bridge.
And they had the never to ask if it if were possible for me to be out before Saturday AM. Hello? I work here until 9. Where would you like me to go.
And they found a new person. I will leave my plan book and a key to deciphering it. I’m actually am going leave the ticket incentive system I step up because the kids (well kid kids) really respond to it.
In maybe very well just leave this new person (was she dumb enough not to ask to talk to a current teacher or will this be the beginning of the screwing over).
Anyhow. I’m cold. I’m going to go jump in my prewarmed bed and dream of class number 0.
Today has been one of those days where I just don’t want to exist. Dr. P was slightly assholish for the first time. He told me to look up ACT which, by the paper he showed me, looks like a combo of CBT and DBT. I seriously didn’t need that today.
I went grocery shopping which almost pushed me over the edge. At least it was pretty empty as it was only 9:30.
For some reason I wanted pancakes, so I bought the stuff to make them. But making them left me so exhausted that I couldn’t really enjoy them.
On the way home on the bus, I spotted a furniture store and got off there. I managed to order the platform for my bed using my broken Korean and a lot of pointing. Unfortunately I ordered the wrong size.
I came home and took a nap. I could barely get out of bed because I had spams in my lower back. And of course it was too late to go see Dr. K, the ortho.
The delivery people came and as I was trying to clear stuff out, I tripped on the bed frame and banged up my leg pretty damn well. I also did something to my left shoulder.
Now I sit here crying. I have no desire to even contemplate dinner. I’d go get a hamburger or something but walking three flights of steps again doesn’t seem like a really good idea.
I’m just so tired of all of this. I wish I had a magic wand to take it all away. And it looks like it’s going to rain the next couple of days. Just wonderful.
I’m going to take my meds now and hopefully sleep. Because I really am tired to the bone.
On preview, I don’t know how much weight I lost, but when I got up to go to the bathroom I just pulled my jeans down. I thought I had unbuttoned them when I took a nap. Nope. They just pull right down over my hips. And these are jeans that were slightly tight when I bought them in September. Not that I’m complaining about that or anything.
Some of you may know I’m working for a bunch of crooks. They started it when they “fired” me because some kids said I smelled funny (define funny, damnit) who of course complained to their parents who complained to the school. The straw the broke the camel’s back was a kid saw me crying in my classroom (my pain was about an 11 that day). Kid complained to parent who complained to school who fired me. Nothing was said that the kid walked into a classroom with a closed door when she should have been in class (it was one of my two weekly breaks).
Anyhow I immediately started looking for a job and I’ll be working for a start up academy with no Korean teachers and run by a woman from the UK and her Korean husband. I’ll also probably be doing some IT stuff for them as well.
And now since I think my hands are going to fall off, I’m signing off.
Let’s back up. I saw my Dr. P yesterday. I have to get up at 8 to be there by 9 thanks to a half hour bus ride. Of course at 8:30, there were NO SEATS ON THE DAMN BUS! I don’t do well on buses to begin with. I get motion sick sitting down. I don’t have ton of strength in my arms to begin with and my hands always hurt. That makes hanging on to those rings fun. I mean really, so I look like a gymnast or a monkey?
So I finally got to the office. I see Dr. P. I’m crying as I walk in. Don’t want to talk much about it, but crap going on at work. He took one look at me, got a nurse to do a BP, temp and glucose stick. Now because Korean cuffs are almost always too small for me (this one included). I learned this summer (while they were using correct sized BP cuffs) they over estimate my BP by a good 30 points. They measured me at 110/80 which makes me a hell of a lot closer to 80/50. My temp was down around 95 (for no good reason, I had a shirt and a jacket on) and my glucose was 65. Plus I was dehydrated (yeah, I know I know I know).
He treats a lot of older folks who have a hard time getting enough nutrition, so he has some nutritional IV stuff and saline on hand.
After we went through the whole work thing he sent me into his treatment room to where the nurse was going to start an IV (he had already given me a couple of glucose tablets and I had stopped shaking so bad). So what do you get when you try to start an IV on a hypotensive, hypothermic, dehydrated person? At least 15 sticks.
So I got there at 9 and left at 1. A great way to spend my birthday, no? So I went to an Italian place and then a coffee shop and got cake. At the coffee shop, they had handmade, stuffed kitty keyrings. So, happy birthday to me.
Uh, your new front page posting thing doesn’t exactly work. Hit publish and nada.
I’m too tired to recreate the post. In fact, I can’t even remember what I was writing about. Don’t know what’s up with this memory stuff except early onset Alzehemiers (shit I don’t know how to spell it and as usual, spell check doesn’t even know what world I’m trying to spell).
Shitty day. Don’t want to talk about it. Life sucks.
I’m so freaking tired. Last two weeks while getting my IV at the doctors office, there was a guy snoring on another cot. It made me 5 years old in seconds. The second time I was panicking so bad, they gave me a second injection of valium.
I’ve spent an hour trying to get Skype to work with this piece of shit Mac. My brother is welcome to the damn thing. It’s still in its one year of Apple Care so they should fix it for free.
My desk is a bloody tangle of wires. I have to sort that out this weekend so I can pack up the POS Mac.
Tomorrow I have to make volcanoes with 4 kids. It’s going to be a disaster. I just know it.
And I’ll end here. Hopefully I’ll wake up in time tomorrow.
Why me. Not only is my body screwed up, my lovely mac mini (Apple, why did you put the power switch in the back??) is giving me the click of death. So it gets shipped to lovely Ohio where my geeky brother can take it into the smart people. I’m not dealing with a third party who doesn’t speak the same language.